Past The Point of Pain

Past The Point of Pain By True’s Doll-Ann

Since I have been with my Master we have explored many limits and why I have them. One activity I have struggled with for a long time is due to past abuse from my ex-husband Dick, anal sex has not been an easy boundary for me to have tested.

When Dick and I first began our sexual relationship we each had an open mind about many things, exploration with new activities was never an issue. We both seem to always enjoy testing ourselves and each other, and never had we considered anything we did together as abnormal. Soon after we were married though, things began to change in Dick’s psychological makeup.

I was working when we were first married and Dick worked and also attended a trade school. Things weren’t always easy and we had our share of struggles just as many other newly weds. Young and newly married we had all the usual pressures, bills for the first time in our lives, the thought of children and when would be the best time to start a family. Several months after we were married I got sick and was unable to work for a long time. I lost my job which didn’t make the problems with the mounting bills any easier. Children still were not an issue, even though I badly wanted to be a mother even in spite of the struggling we were going through. He was adamant, no children until he finished school. Looking back on things now, so many years ago, I believe that his decision not to have kids right away was probably the only thing Dick was ever right about.

Our sex life had always been good, and the fact neither of us was afraid to explore and entertain our open mindedness kept things in the bedroom new, fresh and exciting. We didn’t have a lot of money to go out often but we were able to spend a little money on a few sexual aids to help enhance and broaden the field of sexual fulfillment. Before our second wedding anniversary we had several dildos and vibrators, and then about a month before we were to celebrate the first two years, he came home with something new, an anal plug.

That night was wild, I enjoyed the feeling of opening up and trying something that was considered so taboo, or so I thought. Things were good, we were happy, but that happiness was to be very short lived.

Our sexual happiness began it’s down hill decline after that night, in fact looking back on it all now, I think I can safely use the term “those days were numbered”. It wasn’t even two weeks before he came home again with another surprise. But this time it wasn’t a new toy, and it also wasn’t one of those rare pay raises we craved and became elated over when they appeared on his checks. No, he came home one night with an invitation to a church from one of his coworkers.

From the moment we stepped into the “church” which wasn’t a real church as I knew growing up, things changed between us. This new and unconventional church wasn’t even in a church type building, the meetings were broke down and called cell groups and main central teachings. Home teachings were what they called each small group of people that would meet in someone’s home every week. Central teachings were when all the many smaller home teaching groups throughout the city would come together and meet in a converted warehouse. Cell groups were even smaller groups formed from the home teaching members, broken down into women’s cells and men’s cells. I couldn’t help but feel that something wasn’t right. I worried why he couldn’t see what I did in these people.

Using the word fanatic seems only partially fitting to help describe this new group of friends he was making and forcing into our lives. A cult was another term that kept popping up into my thoughts but I could never prove anything until our marriage had disintegrated into something I no longer recognized. It took years, and the birth of our first two children before I could get him to see the unhealthiness of these people.

During that time though from the beginning of his religious fanaticism and until I could convince him that this church was not where we belonged, Dick had changed into this person I feared.

Soon after he began going to meetings, he made me walk behind him and not with him holding his hand. If I did anything to anger him I suffered for days with painful bruising, knocked out teeth, broken bones, and lest I mention all the different cigarette burns and other various injuries and humiliations, none of which could ever be mistaken as consensual kink.

Violence had become a mainstay in my home. I feared him more with each passing year. It wasn’t long after the beatings and verbal and emotional abuse started that marital rape became my constant nightmare that I couldn’t seem to escape from.

The openness we once shared was shattered time and again after the beatings and hurtful words wasn’t enough to satiate his growing anger. I remember times of laying on the floor, bleeding, broken and bruised and having my clothing ripped from my body and raped, always anally.

It took me several more years before I finally said enough and I walked out. The physical reminders of those beatings no longer visibly seen, but eternally felt. Things I once enjoyed, taken and ripped away as if they were layers of wallpaper to hide a flawed wall.

Walls, yes, flawed walls…built up to protect me from the pain inside. For over a dozen years I had been made to believe that I was nothing, that I was stupid and undeserving of anything good. But I was finally free from his fists and rage. I began a new life.

It took me several more years to find this consensual lifestyle with my Master. But the cost of my past marriage was high. The anal sex I had once enjoyed, I now feared and hated. Several others before my Master tried, only to give up and walk away from the subject saying I was just too much trouble to continue.

When Master and I met we discussed a few things we each desired, needed and wanted from the other, we eventually shared a list of interests. But before that list was done we had discussed certain issues such as anal sex. I expressed my distaste for the activity and He wondered why I had not made it one of my hard limits. I had to think about this.

I explained to my new Master of the abuse I suffered at Dick’s hands. It was a conversation I had had with Dominants before Him, but this time something was drastically different. I felt a closeness to Him like I couldn’t believe. I found that I could tell Him anything and He wouldn’t judge me or feel I was too much trouble. Even though each day these feelings of trust grew, it still took me weeks before I could bring myself to tell Him that I had once enjoyed this now hated and dreaded activity.

Dick had taken so much from me, including running off and disappearing with our precious children. It has been years since I have seen those sweet faces. I long and dream of the day we will all be reunited. He has ripped away my sense of safety, my self esteem, trust, and enjoyment in the simplest of things. Each thing I struggle with that has it’s trouble spots originating from his terroristic manipulations, I find that I also struggle with making them hard limits. It is like still allowing him to have a say or a power in what I do. And as Master and I talked and I began to open up to Him, He said I could not let this man continue to win, He said He could not allow me to allow him to continue to win. That is how the decision was made to push a hard boundary.

One of the first major boundaries my Master pushed was that of fisting. He saw where I had listed it as an interest on the list I filled out for Him. He has had a special way of drawing out the things I fear the most and turn them around in a way where I can see that the only things I need to fear is fear itself, and fear in not allowing myself to go and stay in some sort of holding pattern where I hold back from not only Him but from myself too.

Master was not the first man I had served as a submissive, but He is the one that has brought out my submission like no other. I had served several very briefly and had served one man by long distance and on the internet for five years. I will always love Him and the wonderful Dominant He became while we were together, but for reasons we each had we had to part and go separate ways, but He is one that I can say is truly one of the best friends I have yet today.

Master and I met online one evening while I was in a chat room for the first time in several years. I was finding it more distasteful than I remembered them to be like when I first got online all those years ago. This night I discovered that there seemed to be many more wannabe’s and spam than there were actually serious people of the lifestyle. I was in the midst of trying to close out the many different message boxes that had popped up when Master’s message popped up in the middle of the all the rest.

I am not sure why I answered His message, maybe it was because of how polite He had approached me. So far that night I had received dozens of IM’s inviting me to check out so-n-so’s personal web site, and just as many messages from self proclaimed doms almost young enough to be the age of one of my children. But I did answer Him, and I think it was one of the luckiest nights I have ever had. Now we are together and life feels more complete.

Life has changed so much for me since that first night. I have always loved to feel a Dominant’s pain but Master has this beautiful way of bringing more of the pain slut out then I have ever been aware was there. He finds this mixture of pleasure and pain for me that meld together and sends me to a place where nothing else in the world exists except for He and I.

Our first few weeks together was turbulent at best, I tested Him for reasons I still cannot understand. I don’t know if it is because I have had this unspoken need to feel someone who isn’t afraid of who He is and therefore allows Himself to push for what He wants or what. I have served too many timid Master’s in the past which is why I see how they never lasted. One Master I served wasn’t timid but I found him to be as cruel and grossly controlling as my ex-husband. My Master now has a sadistic side but well tempered with His more romantic and sensual side as well. Nothing is done without purpose, be it pain, pleasure or that wonderful blend between them both.

My testing period was short lived when measured by time, but when measured by pain, it almost seems like an eternity. The nights we spent getting to know one another were riddled with open defiance, back talking and a sheer battle of wills that I think help to show us just who we are together. Any other man would have lost patience and walked away, but not Him, I quickly learned that He was unlike any other. He was calm, and not prone to a hair trigger temper, and when He doled out His punishments, I just as quickly discovered how He was not timid.

It took a while before I could bring myself to talk about anal sex with Master. I remember that night very clearly. I had been divorced from my ex-husband going on twelve years, several had tried to get me to accept the activity, but all had failed. The night Master and I talked, I found myself unable to hold anything back. Sure I had told other Dominant’s of my past, but not in depth and certainly never admitting to anyone that I had once enjoyed being taken that way. But when I told my Master, I felt a great burden being lifted.

I watched as His eyes softened, and heard the tone of His voice shift. He knew as did I that a major wall that had long ago been built to shield and protect me was tumbling away.

End of Part one: