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I became a very devout Christian and I would pray every day and I would read the Bible also of course. Every night before I go to bed I would get down on my knees and pray for an hour, confessing every sin I have made in the day, and then I would cry to the Lord asking for forgiveness and ask for mercy so I would not be thrown to Hell. I read in the Bible that Jobs tore off all his clothes and prayed and David also tore off all his clothes to pray because that was the way he came to life, so I decided to do the same. But because I had a roommate, it was very difficult to do that, so I used to pray in the shower. I would pray to the Lord for forgiveness, for mercy and for strength. I cried a lot too because I felt no matter how hard I tried, I was still unclean, I was still unworthy of the Lord's love. By my junior year I needed a place to stay because I decided to move off campus to save some money because living on campus was too expensive. And coincidentally the pastor at the church I goes to can lend me his third floor of his house to me. And very happily I decided, because I knew both him and his wife very well. I moved in and every day we would eat dinner together, pray and read the Bible. It was very good. I called the pastor my owner or master because he is the owner of the house and the master of a big farm. His farm has many slaves working too, they are all Blacks and Mexicans and he is the master over all of them. People always think slavery was abolished in American but in deep south many masters still have slaves. He called me his Chinese daughter because he thinks I am from China. Even after I told him I came from Japan out of habit he still calls me his Chinese daughter. I am okay with that because he thinks he is showing affection for me but I don't feel comfortable calling him daddy. A lot of people assumes I am from China also and a lot of Americans probably never heard of Japan so I am used to it. Also to add to the confusion was the fact my last name contains my mother's maiden name, but it is the last part of my name, but when I came to America, my name was inverted, and the last part of my name became the first part of my name, so a lot of people think I am Chinese, even some Chinese think I am Chinese. I don't like to argue with people, so I am used to it. I like calling him my master also because he is my spiritual master. He teaches me a lot of things from the Bible and helps me becoming a better Christian and also because it's more respectful.
I was in desperate need to be more spiritual, and was very zealous about the Bible. I tried to refrain from any sexual thought or even any hint of sex, but the burning sensation kept on torturing me from inside. Everyday I would pray to the Lord to make the sinful lusts go ahead, but in vain. I thought living with a pastor was a very good thing, because he could control my life and stop me from making sins. Everyday I was on a very strict diet designed by him to control me from overeating. I ate only one piece of bread with milk or half a bowl of cereals with a banana and nothing else. I ate only vegetables for lunch and also very little for dinner. I was hungry literally everyday, and sometimes I was so hungry when I saw a slice of pizza in the garbage I had a sudden urge to pick it up and eat it. But thanks to the Lord I refrained my sick urges and remained pure for the Lord. Sometimes I saw master and mistress indulge in delicious snacks and I feel so terribly want to eat the crumbs falling on the floor, but the family dog was too quick. I felt lower than a dog because even the dog was fatter than me. Mistress and master are both very big. Master is over 6 feet tall and about 200 pounds, while mistress is a little shorter but much larger, probably also about 200 pounds. Her waist alone is 5 times of mine.
I know I was not worthy to deserve the Lord's love and yet he loves me anyway so I must from that point on refrain from any more sin to deserve the Lord's love. Every night my master and I and all his family would eat together and then we would pray and read the Bible and discuss the Bible. I was only allowed very little food because they think I only ate a little, but I was starving all the time, but it was very wonderful. We share everything together too. Everyday I help preparing dinner also. One day I came down late and master became very angry with me. I felt very humiliated. Everyone ate and without talking to me. The entire dinner time no one talked to me. I felt so awkward. After everyone left, master told me to come over to the kitchen and he told me his family has rules, and whoever breaks rule must be punished. I broke the rule of not coming to dinner at the appropriate time to help his wife preparing dinner. I felt my heart sank. He said Chinese women do not have any discipline and when they come to American they bring only disease and their laziness along with them. It is very bad. He had asked me before if I have ever been given corporal discipline before, and I told him my Japanese father and grandfather administered them to me and my sister. And he had said that what they did was right because if children are not disciplined they grow up to be criminals. And apparently they did not do a good enough job disciplining me. He pointed his finger toward the window at the slaves working on his farm and said that if I do not learn proper American manners, I will end up like those slaves working on his field, or worse. I felt my knees weak and tears started to drop. I lowered my head and asked for forgiveness. Master said I am forgiven but master's discipline and rule of the house cannot be broken. He told me to strip naked and prostrate on the floor of the kitchen with my hands behind my back, and to lift my naked ass to wait for him to administer the punishment. I cowered a little and was little scared because he is not really my daddy. He is a foreigner and my initial reaction is I thought he had no right to do that, but then he told me that he know what I did when I was a sophomore in college and he told me I was very disgusting but the Lord is all merciful and he is willing to accept the lowest scums of the earth, including myself. I realized that he is not the first foreign man to see me naked and I am indeed very disgusting and unworthy of anyone's love. I realized how low I have sunk and unworthy of love I really was. I am nothing but a chinese whore and I hated my flesh. So even though I knew it was degrading I obeyed my master and I told my master that I am indeed unworthy of the Lord's love and therefore I should try even harder to be a good Christian so the Lord can forgive my sins. I took off all my clothes and kneeled on the floor, my forehead touching the ground and my hands behind my backs. I felt worthless, I felt disgusting. I thought I had escaped ever being punished again but here I am, an adult and educated woman, again on the floor completely naked and waiting for master's punishment. I felt ashamed of myself and I felt I had brought insult on my family. But on the other hand I must strive to be good. I am nothing but a chinese prostitute because of what I have done, yet the Lord has accepted me and my Master has accepted me even though I am very disgusting and unclean. So I must gladly accept master's punishment and be thankful. Master walked off the kitchen and brought back a whip. He said for every time I am late, I will be whipped for the number of minutes I was late, I was late to dinner for half an hour, so that means he will administer 30 whips on my bare bottom. To add insult to injury, master's sons have come with him and to witness my punishment. I felt even more humiliated, but I did not move at all, because I am a good girl and I will do everything possible to please the Lord and to please my Master so he will know I am worthy to be his fellower. Because deep down I know what he is doing is good for me. I am not worthy of his love, yet he loves me anyway, and for this I gave thanks, and I thank him for punishing me and for humiliating me because I am not worthy of the Lord's love. For the Lord enjoys seeing his fellowers suffer for him, as it is written in the Corinthians. The Lord want to see his believers beaten and humiliated so they may become strong and their love of God strengthen.
I tried to prepare myself for the whip, but when it came I was still caught off guard. The pain was sharp and I felt a urge to scream and my hands almost wanted to cover my bare bottom, but I was a good girl and I strive to be good as the Lord gave me strength so I bite on my lips and sobbed only a little. I clasped my hands into fists to prepare myself for the second whip, the third whip, ... Thank the Lord as every whip came I felt I have become stronger and my soul has been cleansed. I gave thanks to the Lord and to my master for making me suffer. For it is only through suffering that sinners learn the grace of God. After being punished I felt very clean. I felt being subject to corporal punishment gave me a transcendent cleaning of my soul that before I have not been able to feel. So even though the skin on my back and my bottom was broken, I felt whole and healthful. After my punishment, tearfully I turned around on the floor and thanked my master and his sons for punishing me. I bowed my head on the ground before them and my forehead touched the floor they walked on. I told master I am sincerely happy to be punished and graceful for everything the Lord has done and for all the wonderful miracles he has performed on me. I am willing to be more careful in the future and to avoid making mistakes again, and if I do, I will be fully willing to be punished again, because the Lord is almighty, all powerful and all knowing. Praise the Lord for he is the only Lord. Praise the Lord for he is the king of kings.
Afterward master's wife helped me with anoitment and band aids to cover the wound. Master's wife is a very powerful woman and very strong. She is big and she is a lot taller and stronger than my dad. She is less friendly to me than master because she says Chinese women do nothing but to steal white men and they will do anything to get American green cards. To mistress all Chinese women are prostitutes and they should all be banished from this great country of America. I felt very ashamed and promised her that I am striving to be different. I will try my best to be a good Christian and worthy of the Lord's forgiveness.
The Lord strikes with one hand and heals with another. I felt nothing but joy basking in the Lord's forgiveness. After I took a shower and was almost ready for bed, I nimbly walked downstairs to master's study room. I knocked on the door and saw his gentle smile. I smiled too and thanked him for his punishment again. I told him how much I was moved and enthralled by the holy spirit. He gently nodded and said praise the Lord. I told him I need to be disciplined more often to become a good Christian and I want to work with him to on my training and make me become a good Christian, so that my old self, my flesh can die and I to regrow into an entirely new person. Master said that in order to do so, I must confess all my sins every day to the Lord. So he suggested that every day after school and before I go to bed, I should pray to the Lord and confess everything to the Lord and pray for forgiveness. And I suggested maybe we could do it together, and so we have fellowship. He very gently agreed and said that I am becoming a good Christian already. For the first time in a long time, I went to bed with joy and calmness that I have not experienced in a long time.
From then on every evening I would go down to master's studying room and pray with him together. Every night I would confess to the Lord every evil thought and every bad thing I did in the entire day. I always kneel next to master's desk so I can be closer to the Lord and also kneeling made me feel more pious. Master always sat on the chair and we prayed together. I would not even hide the tiniest mistake or the most embarrassing peccadillo from the Lord. I would also confess that I had sexual thought and maybe I saw a boy and I had lust. I felt very disgusted of myself and tried my best to control my evil lust.
One evening we were studying the Bible and we talked about the old testament. In a chapter the Lord ordered the Israelites to cut off all the gentile men's penises and then take their women as sex slaves. I trully felt the Lord's power and became very God-fearing. Then master said that some times the Lord will execute very horrible things to keep his believers' faith in him because he alone is the almighty. Whoever disobeys the Lord will be destroyed. To quote Isaiah, those who disobey God will sit on the walls of their destroyed cities, they will eat their own feces and drink their own urine and cry to their God who have abandoned them. And then they shall know that He is their God and who they must fear. Then the master said that because the Jews disbelieved in Jesus, the Lord cast them out of their own land for two thousand years and to this day they do not have peace because they do not believe in the Lord. He told me horrible stories about Jews being tortured to death and sent en mass to gas chamber to be killed all because they disbelieved in Jesus. I was horrified and I now know the Lord's potent. I went to bed in a daze, scared and horrified. Later that night I had the strangest and scariest dream I ever had. I dreamed that my master was dispatched by the Lord to torture me. I was completely naked and hogtied upside down with my hands and feet tied together and my hair hanging down in midair. Then master came into my view. He stood right in front of me and he said the Lord has sent him to punish me. He said because I have sinned against the Lord and as he spoke his hands struck me. I screamed. Then his fingers stuck into my sex. Then several of master's slaves came over and raped me. I was covered in semen and piss. After they were finished with me, I was left hanging like a pig ready to be slaughtered and I was howling like a pig too asking for the Lord's forgiveness, but Master said it was too late. My sins have ired the Lord's wrath and the Lord will send me to hell for eternity. They started to set fire to a bundle of sticks right below and was going to burn me alive! I was scared out of my mind unconsciously urine started to ooze out of me. Then I woke up and found a puddle of mess between my legs, mixed with urine and blood. I felt so sinful I started to cry. I hated myself for having those sinful thoughts and I hated myself for not being able to control myself.
I came back to Japan during the summer and I promised master and all my Christians brothers and sisters that I will spread the good news to everyone in Japan, and to all my family members so that their soul may be saved and their sins forgiven. Well, I came home and found that Christianity isn't very welcome in Japan. I talked to my father about my new faith and he was furious. He said he didnot want to hear another word about Christianity again. Also, I just found out that father had divorced mother. It was shocking and no one had told me.
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