An American In Hell Chapter I: The Gift Brenda hated walking back from the movies. In between her dormitory and the movie theater was a very bad section of town. Drug dealers, vagrants and prostitutes frequented the place. She would have felt better had she been walking back with her date, but he never showed up to meet her at the movie. She told herself not to date one of the animals from Delta House, but she hadn't gone out with anyone in a month. Now that she did find someone, he didn't bother to show up for the movie. She knew why he didn't show up. She was positive it was another girl. The guys of Delta House had a reputation of asking out every girl they could find and then just choosing to go out with the best looking one that accepted their offer. After tonight's incident, though, she wouldn't ever accept a date from one of those animals ever again. As Brenda approached the bad section of town, her pace quickened and her adrenaline started pumping. She gripped her purse with the strength of a vice and walked as fast as she could through the area. Brenda, who by now was fully alert, went into fight or flight mode as she heard a homeless man ruffling through the trash. She walked faster as she passed the alley and was now almost in a complete run. Brenda looked ahead and saw what was obviously a gang. They were still pretty far ahead of her, but they'd notice her soon if she didn't do something. Her only other alternative would be to cut through an ally to her left. She knew the ally would cut through to the next street, but it was obvious that there were some people in the ally. She decided she'd take her chances with the ally rather than the gang. As she walked through the ally, Brenda knew she'd be an excellent target for rape if she took her chances with the gang. Brenda stood five foot six inches tall and had an excellent figure. She had a nice round ass with perky B-cup breasts. Brenda dressed well for her date that night, and feared that would only encourage a gang to rape her. Brenda approached the end of the ally, but before she could exit an old man blocked her path. "Hello Ms. Jenson," the man said as he moved to make sure she couldn't pass. "Please let me go," Brenda said, her voice filled with fear. "Don't worry miss. I have no intention on harming you. I want to help you. In fact, I'd like to grant one of your deepest wishes. I can also get you out of here. Please, just invite me into your home and we can talk there," the old man said. "Just let me go. Please," Brenda pleaded. "I will. Just say 'take me home' and I will let you go," the old man insisted. "Fine. Take me home. Now please--," Brenda said as she was cut off. Before she could finish her sentence, Brenda and the old man both appeared in her dorm. "What just happened," Brenda asked. "Simple. You asked me to 'take you home' and I did so," the old man replied. "Remember, I'm here to help you." "Who are you? How did you do these things," Brenda asked in confusion. "Also very simple. I have been put on this Earth to help people. I'm from the afterlife you see. I wish to help you. You happened to run into me and you were distressed, so I figured I would help you," the old man said. "Oh my God! Oops I'm sorry about that. I didn't mean to take the lord's name in vain. Wow. I better start going to Church. I just figured all that was made up. I didn't really believe in religion much. Oh wow," said Brenda, who was so excited she couldn't compose her thoughts. "How are you going to help me? I mean if you still want to help me?" "I do still want to help you. As I look deep into your soul, I find that envy is your biggest sin. You are very modest, kind, caring, loving, and generous. You don't seem to be content with what you have, however," the old man told her. "Nonsense," Brenda said. "I know I'm not rich, but I don't have much need for wealth. Sure, I might have a passing want for money now and then, but I don't let it rule my life." "I don't mean that kind of envy. You want something else entirely. There is no use pretending around me. You are extremely envious of other women. You want the power to simply look at a man and have him lust after you. You want men to keep their dates with you and not break them for some other sorority bimbo. You want a body that is only given to several hundred women around the world. Please, stop me if I'm wrong," the old man told her. "No, you're right. That is what I want. How could you possibly help me with that?" Brenda asked. "What if I told you that I could give you the ability to change the shape of your body at will along with the clothes that you were wearing," the old man asked. "How would that sound?" "You're serious? You'd really do that," Brenda asked. "I would," the old man replied. "There would just be one small catch. In return for my generosity, you would need to promise not to sin. That means you could no longer commit any acts of wrath, gluttony, envy, avarice, pride, sloth or lust. Doing any of these would result in you losing your power and a bastardization of it being performed on your body. You'd become a mockery of your vision. This is serious, but I'm sure you can control yourself," the old man explained. "I'll take it! After all, I wouldn't have anything to envy if I changed my body to my image of perfection," Brenda said with confidence. "Very well. Simply look in a mirror and think of what you would like changed and it will happen. You must be looking at mirror in order to control the changes, however." the old man explained to her. The old man's eyes lighted up a bright red. The light became brighter until the entire room was illuminated with red light. Brenda closed her eyes, blinded by the bright light, and waited for the light to pass. She opened her eyes a bit to squint and saw that the bright light was gone. She opened her eyes completely to find that the man had disappeared as well. A strange voice that vaguely sounded like the old man's filled the room, "Remember my warning Brenda, do not succumb to sin."
Chapter II: A Few Changes Brenda made a mental note to evaluate her actions more carefully in order to avoid the curse that went with her new ability. Eager and curious to see how it worked, Brenda made her way over to her dorm's small wall mirror. She looked in it and decided to test out the ability with something small. She looked at her hair and imagined it changing colors from brunette to blonde. She firmly believed in the "blondes have more fun" stereotype, so she decided she'd try out being a blonde for awhile. The change from brunette to blonde lasted about ten seconds. Brenda was amazed at the woman that was staring back at her. Her new hair looked exactly like she had envisioned it in her imagination. She wasn't at all sure why she was surprised. After all, she didn't doubt her power, but something in the back of her head made her think the old man was a phony. Her suspicion was quickly dismissed with the success of her transformation, though. Brenda jumped up on her bed and lay down, thinking about all the different aspects she could change about herself. Her train of thought was interrupted when she heard the rattling of keys and her doorknob turning. She looked over to see her roommate, Jeri, returning home. "I guess things didn't work out with you and Brian if you are home this early." Jeri said. "He didn't even show up. The bastard ." Brenda commented with a tone of disgust. "Ahh, I see. Well, it looks like you went out and dyed your hair instead. I didn't know any salons were open at this time of night." Jeri said. "I didn't go to a salon. It's a long story, but I'll try to give you a recap. I met this strange old coot who gave me the power to magically change any part of my body or clothing. Now, I know you aren't going to believe me, so I'll show you." Brenda said as she got up and walked toward the room's mirror. She looked into the mirror and they both watched in amazement as Brenda's cloths changed from a nice dating outfit into cutoff jean-shorts and a tee shirt. Brenda's hair also reverted to brunette, its natural color. "There. I told you so." Brenda said in a matter-of-fact tone. "Holy shit! This is amazing. Have you tried it with anything else? How'd you get it? Where can I get it? Damn." Jeri said at a rip-roaring pace. "Calm down. I just finished using it when you walked in. I haven't done anything else, but I'm going to try soon. I just want to think of something first." Brenda replied. "Wow. That is so cool." Jeri told Brenda. "Yeah, no kidding. I think I'm going to do a complete make over now. Watch this." Brenda remarked. Brenda looked in the mirror and concentrated. Her hair turned back to a dusty blonde and she gained four inches, bring her to five feet ten inches. Brenda continued to concentrate on herself and removed all hair follicles from her legs, arms and armpits. She concentrated even more and felt the actual roots of the hair removed as well. Brenda continued by removing a birthmark on her left leg. Pleased with her initial changes, Brenda persisted on. "Watch this." she said to Jeri. Brenda looked back at the mirror and saw the freckles, which adorned her face and body, disappear. After removing the blemishes, Brenda gave her skin a darker tan and made sure to remove her bikini lines. Her skin was now free from any kind of discoloration or blemish. "Oh damn." Jeri said, watching in amazement at Brenda's changes. "That was too much. This is the greatest thing I've seen since makeup. I've gotta get this." "You ain't seen nothing yet! I've got much more to do." Brenda exclaimed. Brenda turned her attention back to the mirror and concentrated on her breasts. She felt exhilarated as her B-cup tits billowed out, passing C-cup and into the realm of full D-cups. Brenda's bra and shirt complained by tightening, but Brenda fixed that with a change in her clothes. Her tee shirt transformed into a nice shirt with a very generous v-plunge. Her bra responded to the changes by expanding outward in order to contain Brenda's new D-cup wonders. Brenda, feeling she should show a bit more cleavage, changed her bra into a tight push-up that embellished her new curves. Brenda, still in the mood for more change, turned around and faced her ass toward the mirror. She looked over her shoulder into the mirror and commanded her ass to tighten and firm. It responded, making the view from behind almost as much of a treat as from the front. Brenda, overjoyed, continued. Her waist thinned and her legs smoothed. Brenda felt a miniskirt would be more appropriate with her new look, so her cutoff jean shorts changed into one of the tightest miniskirts Brenda had ever imagined possible. Brenda and Jeri both looked in the mirror in amazement as the bombshell Brenda had become. Brenda was dressed to kill and had the body to match. "Whoa!" Jeri said, still in amazement of Brenda's power and new looks. "That is so impressive. I guess you never have to worry about getting stood up again. Any guy who would stand you up now would be either gay or blind. With looks like that you could have every guy in town. Just take your pick, shit. I can't believe it. I would kill to look like that." Jeri said in awe. "Pretty trippy, eh." Brenda joked, peering into the mirror to check her outfit. "I just got the coolest idea. I'll check ya later. I'm going out." Brenda told Jeri. Jeri just stood at the door with her mouth open, thinking she'd wake up from a dream any second now. This just defied belief.
Chapter III: The Pool Game Brenda walked out of her dorm and headed toward the end of the wing. She pressed the button from the elevator and listened as the elevator made it's slow ascent to the fifth floor of Brenda's dorm. Brenda didn't want to go out to a club this late, but she figured she'd try out her new looks downstairs in the dorm's own recreation center. She got in the elevator and pushed the cold metal button for the basement. The elevator made its way toward the basement, but stopped on the third floor for a couple. Brenda smiled at the two and noticed that both had their attention focused on Brenda's cleavage as they entered the elevator. Brenda politely asked what floor they wanted and they both replied "one please." Brenda pushed the button and continued to stare forward, but noticed through her peripheral vision that the guy was eyeing her up while the girl looked at her date with disappointment. The elevator reached the lobby and they both exited while Brenda mentally smiled at her newfound ability to demand the attention of onlookers. The elevator door closed and the descent continued until the basement was reached. Brenda stepped out into the haven of loud music, foosball, pool and video games. Brenda, who was decent enough at pool, spotted an open table and cued up. Before she was even able to break, several guys approached her and asked if they could play on the table. Brenda said she was playing eight ball and offered to play against one of them. Since there were five guys there, four would be losers had it not been for the suggestion that team eight ball could be played. Brenda agreed, but that still meant two guys had to go. "Listen guys, this is my table, so I'm not leaving. You guys work out which two get to play somewhere else." Brenda told the pack. The guys looked at each other and walked over to a corner of the room to settle their differences. Three guys returned to play with Brenda and, not surprisingly, they happened to be the three biggest of the five. It seems that threatened with a fight, the two smaller males backed off. It was the age-old struggle for mating dominance and the two weakest lost out. As one of the guys racked up the balls, Brenda picked the teams and was told that she should break. Brenda agreed and moved toward the end of the table to take her shot. The whole room's attention was focused on her as she bent over to take her shot. The three guys, having strategically positioned themselves on the opposite side of the table, got a picturesque view of Brenda's D-cup wonders. The view from behind was quite breathtaking as well. The pool game progressed in the same manner as the break. It was pretty uneventful until it was Brenda's turn to take a shot. Then the entire room's attention would focus on her while she leaned over the table, exposing her awe-inspiring cleavage, to make her shot. No one cared at all about the game, least of all the three guys in it. Brenda loved the reaction she got out of everyone in the room. After several games, Brenda remarked that she'd be heading back home. She turned down the three guys she was playing with along with some other courageous guys who had been watching her playing pool. Her excuse was that she needed some sleep, but she just wanted to go make a few more changes. Brenda figured it'd be fun to try out several different "looks" and see which one got the best response from the guys. Brenda made her way back to her dorm without to many leering eyes, but one guy, who was obviously a bit drunk, grabbed her breasts on the elevator ride up. "You've got some nice titbags." he said as she got off the elevator. Brenda slapped him and continued on her way to the dorm. She knew she could call the cops or file a complaint, but she was hardly in the mood to fill out forms that night. She was too anxious to return to her room and try out her power a bit more.
Chapter IV: Oops Brenda quietly opened the door to her room, thinking her roommate might be asleep, but was greeted to a friendly, "Howdy ho miss shape-shifter." from Jeri. "Cut that out." Brenda replied, even though she was quite amused. "So how did your little adventure go." Jeri asked. "Obviously it didn't go too well because you came back without a man." "Only because I chose to come back without a man. You should have seen them. They were like buzzards over a dead elephant. Each was trying their hardest to try and get me to go back up home with them. It was absurd. They were each okay in the looks department, but I decided I want to play around with some more changes." Brenda explained. "Oh shit! I just got an idea! You said you could change your clothes as well as your body, right." Jeri asked enthusiastically. "Yeah, that's right." Brenda replied. "So why don't you make a diamond-filled dress? You know, like the kind the movie stars always wear to the Oscars." Jeri explained. "That's a great idea." Brenda said, moving toward the mirror. Brenda looked into the mirror and imagined herself with a dress made from diamonds. Sure enough, it appeared on her, glistening in the light. Jeri told Brenda to take the dress off and pluck off a few diamonds for her. Brenda did so, changing back into a normal outfit. Brenda and Jeri both went to work removing the diamonds from the dress. Brenda got another idea, though, and looked back into the mirror. Atop her head, a gorgeous crown appeared that rivaled the ones worn by medieval kings and queens. Brenda removed the crown and showed it to Jeri. "You thought the dress was a good idea, take a look at this!" Brenda looked back in the mirror, about to imagine more items of wealth that attached to the body, only to find an image of the old man looking back at her. "I warned you not to abuse the power, but you didn't heed my advice! Now you'll feel the consequences for this and every future sin. You foolish little girl! It didn't take you more than three hours before you sinned. Most usually go at least a week." said the haunting voice from the mirror. Brenda continued to look in the mirror, only to see the man disappear and her own body reappear in its place. A sense of dread overtook Brenda as she unsuccessfully tried to change her hair color and her outfit. "I've lost the power." Brenda said frantically. "Oh my God! I can't believe it. I just lost the power!" "What did he mean by 'feel the consequences' of your sins." Jeri asked, confused. "When he gave me the power, he explained that if I sinned I would lose the power and changes would happen on their own." Brenda told Jeri. "What kind of changes." Jeri asked. "I have no idea. I guess next time I sin I'll find out. I don't plan on it, though. I don't want to become ugly or anything." Brenda said. "Good idea." Jeri explained. "Oh well. I guess it was fun while it lasted. At least you got to change into that body before you lost the power. It won't be bad at all to live in a body like that. Besides, the money we make from selling these jewels and that crown will allow both of us to live in luxury for the rest of our lives." "No kidding. You forget one thing, though. The money will allow me to live comfortably for the rest of my life. You had nothing to do with it." Brenda explained as she snapped the crown and dress back from Jeri. Just as Brenda finished grabbing the dress and crown, she started to feel nauseous. "I feel like I'm gonna throw up." she said. Brenda looked up at the mirror to find that she was experiencing some changes. Her hair changed from dusty blonde to a pure blonde, her waist thinned a bit more and her breasts surged out farther. Brenda cupped her hands around her newly enlarged tits to find that they had increased to the size of melons. The changes didn't stop, however. Brenda watched the mirror only to see that her clothes started to change as well. The v-cut on Brenda's shirt became harsher, exposing more of her breasts for the world to see. It also lost fabric on the bottom, exposing her cute navel and beautifully toned abs. Brenda could also see her skirt recede several inches, exposing more of her thighs. "You still do have the power." Jeri blurted out. "You don't understand, Jeri. I didn't do that. That just happened on its own. It did it by itself. I had nothing to do with it!" "Well I guess we figured out what happens when you sin." Jeri said jokingly. "You turn into a big breasted bimbo." "Ha ha ha." Brenda said sarcastically. "This isn't funny. I don't want to go around the rest of my life with tits this big. These things are just too large. D-cup tits are nice, but these are just outrageous." "Well." Jeri replied, "that'll show you not to be a greedy bitch." "That's not really a fair characterization, you know. I was just trying to cash in on my misfortune. If I can't have the power, I thought I could at least have some money." Brenda said in her defense. "Well I guess you were wrong. So, you better give me back that crown and dress and I'll go sell 'em." Jeri told Brenda. "I've already been punished once. I don't think it'll happen again." Brenda said. "Yeah, but are you willing to take that chance." Jeri asked. "After all, who knows what you'll look like if you try to be a greedy bitch again." "Oh fine. You take it. I'm tired of your insults, though. At least I can fix my clothes." Brenda said, taking off her shirt. "Jesus Christ." Jeri said, looking at Brenda's new melon-sized breasts. "Those puppies are just enormous. It's a good thing that bra expanded with your tits, or else you'd be in big trouble." "Yeah, whatever." Brenda replied. Brenda pulled out a tee shirt from her drawer and put it on, glad that she was rid of the other shirt. After the shirt was completely on, however, it started changing. After about ten seconds, it had completely transformed into the shirt she had on before. "Oh my God." Brenda said, before passing out.
Chapter V: Now You're In Trouble Brenda awoke to one of the most horrid sights she had ever seen, herself. Brenda couldn't believe that last night wasn't a dream. She hoped that everything might have just been a nightmare, but a heavy weight on her chest reminded her that she wasn't dreaming at all. She had been cursed and there wasn't a thing she could do about it. A cursory examination of her clothing revealed that she was wearing the same exact clothing that she had on last night. She quickly flung it all off, but once again the clothes started changing. Brenda saw her tennis shoes change colors, texture, and shape. They gradually turned themselves into a complete replica of her three-inch pumps. Brenda's shirt and jeans did the same. It seemed that she'd be cursed to wearing the same pair of clothes for the rest of her life. Brenda stomped her foot on the ground in defiance and anger, but the only result was a jiggling parade of tit flesh that seemed to go on for hours. Brenda, reminded of just how large her new breasts were, stormed out of her dorm infuriated. She didn't know where she wanted to go or what she wanted to do, but she just wanted to get away from her mirror. It was one thing to have a nice pair of D-cup boobs, but quite another to have a pair of cantaloupes sticking to her chest. D-cup breasts would fill a sweater or dress out nicely. It would accentuate her curves and make her look wonderfully feminine. Brenda doubted any dress or sweater was made for her new tits. She only saw them as a monstrosity. She'd heard the stories of big-breasted women before. They all said that once the D-cup mark is passed, appreciative looks and nice comments turn into freakish leers and rude remarks. Brenda went back in her dorm before the people on her wing got suspicious. She grabbed a history book and took off toward the elevator. Hoping to get some peace and quiet with her book, Brenda went to the lobby and headed off toward the lounge. Since it was a Sunday, Brenda figured there wouldn't be anyone in the lounge area. The only people who bothered to study on a Sunday morning were people in their rooms. She didn't think anyone would leave to come down to the lounge. "Hi. I think you need to either leave or go get your friend." someone told Brenda as she entered the lounge, realizing that her assumption was incorrect. "What." Brenda asked, visibly annoyed. "Here at Mojave residence hall, we have a policy. All non-residents must be escorted at all times by a resident. You need to either leave or find your friend and stick with them." the person said. Brenda recognized the man as one of the desk assistants, who obviously didn't recognize Brenda's new looks. "Look, I live here. I'm in room 544. Now just leave me alone." "I know pretty much everyone in the building and I don't know you." "Hey, fuck you! I told you I live here, now get the fuck away from me you little shit." Brenda, now extremely annoyed, said. "I'm gonna write you up you big-titted bitch." the desk assistant said to her. "Oooo I'm so afraid of you. I can say whatever the fuck I want asshole." The desk assistant, annoyed that this girl tried to challenge his authority walked closer and shoved her down onto one of the couches. "Hey watch the hands you fucking pervert." Brenda screamed out. Pissed off that this guy just pushed her, she kicked her leg out and tripped him as he walked back to the desk. The desk assistant fell flat on his face. "I'm gonna kill you bitch!" Brenda, after hearing this, ran out of the lounge toward a more public area. Her breasts bounced up and down as she ran out of the lounge. She knew the guy would be behind her, so she ran into the elevator and pressed "5", followed by "Door Close". The desk assistant ended up slamming into the closing elevator door. Brenda laughed at him through the door and said, "See you in hell, asshole!" The desk assistant walked back toward his desk and resolved to get revenge on the "bimbo from 544." Brenda, now safe in the elevator, noticed the sensation of transformation start again. She realized that tripping the desk assistant constituted wrath. Looking down at her body, she saw her breasts heave out in expanse. Her shirt stretched out with it, barely containing her new set of tits. Now, with her tits easily being the size of volleyballs, Brenda felt like a huge-breasted freak. Her shirt was now more like a bra, struggling to contain her bosom's expanse. Brenda's nipples pressed hard into the newly transformed top and were easily visible through the stretched-thin fabric. Although it didn't look like it, her new top securely held Brenda's chest in place. When the elevator stopped at the top floor, Brenda's chest began quivering for what seemed like forever to Brenda. Each step she took toward her dorm was almost as bad, causing her breasts to quake with motion. Even tip-toeing caused her chest to heave in motion. Brenda's center of gravity, which, throughout the last two days has been constantly moving upward, caused her to feel uncomfortable walking. She just couldn't get used to the new sensation of having a ton of weight concentrated up on her chest. Jeri was shocked as she saw the "new Brenda" walk into her dorm room after only a short time downstairs. "Jesus Christ, girl! What did you do? Kill someone?" "No." Brenda replied with a scowl. "I just tripped this DA who was being a dick. He actually pushed me. I could sue his ass and get him fired." "You should." Jeri encouraged her. "I have larger concerns at the moment, Jeri. The last thing I need is a lawsuit. Maybe I'll do something if I get some free time. I'm not about to start suing people until I find someway to get this growth under control. I can't be expanding every single time I get pissed off at someone. It just isn't going to work." "Well you'll have to find that old guy and get him to take the spell off or something. Otherwise well, you know." "Yeah, I do know. I'll be ruined. I already look like a Barbie doll. If I don't fix this, I'll end up even worse." "Brenda, you are way past Barbie. You used to look like a Barbie doll. Now you're looking more like a twig with tits. I mean look at yourself! You are way past any normal proportions. Your waist is impossibly thin, your hips are flaring out, and your tits are almost as big as pumpkins. I'm sorry, but that isn't even remotely human looking. I hate to break it to you like this, but you look more like a circus freak than a woman." "Well fuck you." Brenda screamed at Jeri. "I can't believe this." Brenda said sporadically, her voice affected by heavy crying. Brenda ran to her bed and planted her head on her pillow and continued to cry. Jeri, although feeling sorry for her roommate, couldn't help but find it funny at the difficulty Brenda had just lying face down on her bed. As Brenda put weight down on her breasts, they pancaked out on her bed, spreading in all directions. Taking up more width than Brenda's torso, Jeri shook her head at the big-titted bimbo her roommate had become. Although she still had her mental faculties, no one would see Brenda for anything else than a sex object. Jeri knew Brenda would spend the rest of her life gradually growing as she committed sin after sin. She might have a successful career in T&A films, but no one else would take her seriously. Neither of them could see or hear him, but floating outside the dorm window was an old man laughing hysterically, trying to guess what sin Brenda would commit next.
Epilogue: An American In Hell "You there! Yes, you." said the demon as he looked at Mr. Adrian Rodgers. "Get over here and prepare to be judged." "Um what is all this about." Adrian Rodgers asked the demon. "Oh come on! You've died. You're in hell. Welcome to eternal damnation. No get over there and let me process your paperwork. You're holding up the line." the demon said to Adrian. Adrian, who was very confused, moved over to the spot the demon was motioning to. It was a small piece of ground with a circular inscription with a place for Adrian to insert his feet. The demon again motioned him in, and he did so. The demon pointed a scanning device at Adrian's head and pushed a button. "Oh damn." the demon said as he looked at a readout on his computer display. "We don't have a file on you! You know, I'm not surprised at all. I knew today was going to be about as fun as ingesting a pile of rancid excrement. I've been having so many problems with my manager here. You wouldn't believe the things we have to take from that piece of swine They treat us like crap here. I've put in over 300,000 years, and I still haven't gotten a raise. I put in a requisition for a new computer terminal 1500 years ago, and they still haven't replaced it. You have no idea of the crap we demons take around here. I remember when--." the demon got cut off abruptly. "I'd be happy to talk with you, but I'd really like to know what I'm doing here. I don't deserve eternal damnation. I'm a pretty good guy. I gave money to poor children, I helped the homeless, and I didn't go and make a big deal when my girlfriend cheated on me. I've made my mistakes just as much as anyone else, but nothing I've done warrants me being here. Besides, I haven't even seen St. Peter or had a trial. Don't I get some appeals also." Adrian asked. "This doesn't seem fair." "I may have lost your paperwork, but you're definitely an American. I hate Americans. You're always so damn pushy and self-centered. You think that everyone owes you something. Let me tell you something! No one owes you anything. Every damn American that comes our way won't settle for just walking into hell and taking his place. Oh noooooo. You have to bitch and moan and complain about your situation. 'I haven't had a fair trial.' 'I haven't even had a trial.' 'I didn't have any representation.' Ahhh! It is even worse when we get lawyers down here. They go on and on and on and on about how their sins don't 'qualify' as sins for various legal reasons. It is such a hassle. I love it when we get Albanians. They just walk right on through to the fiery pits. But not Americans, oh no. Well, we'll have to reconstruct your record line by line. It'll take awhile, but I suppose I don't have anything better to do today." Adrian, who by now was extremely scared and confused, just sat idly by while the demon pointed a new scanning device at his head. "Hmm." said the demon, "it says here that you're a damn atheist! What the bloody hell are you doing here in hell?" "Well, I feel like a fool for saying this, but I've always been told by all the religious people that I'd end up in hell. Obviously I never believed them, but I guess it shows what I know." Adrian told the demon. "No, no, no! You don't understand at all. When a person dies their soul goes to one of these gates. Basically the gates are just big giant magnets. Heaven's gate is positively charged and hell's is negatively charged. Based on a person's actions in life, the soul just drifts to whichever gate it is most attracted to. You wouldn't believe all the hassle we had to go through before we found out we could just install big magnets. It was even worse when we had a reversal of the poles way back in '64, but now all we demons and angles have to do is show the blessed or the damned on their way and fill out a few administrative papers. Before, we had to go fly over to the void of lost souls and drop them in heaven or hell. Now the souls come to us. Since the souls of atheists and agnostics aren't charged at all, they just float around and add to the ethereal debris of the void." Adrian, who was squinting in concentration, thought he had digested most of this information and asked, "So you're going to fly me back, or what?" "I suppose I could. That's what I'm supposed to do when one of these things happens, but it takes too much time to get there. My wife always nags when I come home late. How about you just walk into hell. I really don't want to take you back to the void. Besides, torture is better than non-existence. I'll tell you what I'll even put you down for an eternity in one of our less painful punishments." "No good. I don't like either of those options. I want into heaven." "Oh, come on! If it wasn't for some kind of computer glitch you wouldn't even be here. Do you know what kind of paperwork it'll take for me to get you into heaven." the demon asked. "I'd have to fill out an H42-934 form, get it stamped by the Ethereal Transfer Commission, and then file it with the Heavenly Appeals Agency. It'd take six to eight hundred years for an acknowledgement and another millennia before their first investigative agent came out for an interview. Believe me, it isn't an easy process. It would be much easier for me to simply fly you back and dump you into the ethereal void. I'm thinking I'm just going to send you on through to an envy punishment or something." "I'd like to speak to your supervisor. Even in hell, I'm sure there's an appeals process." Adrian said. "Oh damn! Yes, there is a process, but please don't use that on me. It takes up so much time. Wait a minute, we could use you back on Earth! We've been looking for someone to cause mischief back on the planet, and I'm sure I could give you that job. Its either that or I fly you back to the void and you won't exist." "Fine." said Adrian. "I'll take the job." "Great. Just let me fill out this form here, and we'll have you on your way." the demon told Adrian. "You know, now that you're a fellow employee, I'd like to encourage you to vote Libertarian in the next election. They'd really do a great job of cutting down on all the excess government here. You'll see how damn bureaucratic this place is once you try and send in a requisition for supplies. First you'll have to fill out a form that authorizes you to propose a requisition. Then you have to fill out your requisition proposal form and get it stamped. Then you'll have to fill out a form to get the supply committee to hear your proposal and so on and so forth. By the time you have the paper work sorted out a millennia later, you'll realize that your supply plan needs revising. Then the whole process will start all over again. Except this time, you'll have to fill out a proposal to change your previous plan along with the proposal for the new plan." "But isn't voting liberation just a waste of my vote." Adrian asked. "After all, third political parties never survive." "You know, before you dammed Americans came along we had a thriving political system with no parties and a sense of decency. Now those of us that work in hell are oppressed more than the souls that are supposed to be tortured here." the demon scoffed at Adrian. "Now let me tell you what you are going to do. I want you to go back to Earth and cause trouble. Specifically, we want you to tempt people and then punish them if they accept. Person by person, I want you inspiring chaos in every American you come across. Now, on Earth you'll take the form of a raggedy old man who sells tonics and potions that always end up backfiring on the buyer." the demon said. "I suppose I'll be operating in a dusty old shop in an urban mall." Adrian asked. "Shut up! This is not that kind of story." the demon said. "Well, if it isn't, it sure seems like the author of our 'story' is pretty damn unoriginal." Adrian remarked. "That may be true, but if it wasn't for him, we wouldn't exist. Besides, every work of fiction boils down to three main stories anyway. Now, back to what I was saying. You'll be put on Earth with various potions and vials that will end up cursing the various customers and causing them to be lustful and evil. Now, back to Earth with you." Adrian agreed and decided it would be an excellent opportunity to explore his breast expansion fetish. He'd always wanted to become one of those little demons who granted wishes that backfired. He figured he'd start with college girls and move on from there. Adrian, contemplating his plan, walked into the Earth portal feeling sorry for all the sinners in hell, as well as anyone who mistakenly got sent there due to demon error, the reversal of the magnetic poles, or the year 2000 computer glitch.
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