Leaving Jim Mariah H (sensualwordz@aol.com)
Leaving Jim by Mariah H The sound was all around. The primal sound was frightening. It was in very corner of the room. I closed my eyes to hide from what it could be. But it kept growing, it wasn't growing louder, but deeper, deeper in tone, deeper in darkness, it shook and it quivered and it frightened, and yet it remained. I saw through my closed eyes. I saw a melted body pooled on the floor beneath me. I saw myself laying in the classic fetal position trying to go back to safety. And my fear overtook me and I had to know where the sound was coming from and face the fear. I opened my eyes, forced them to look and all I saw was my hands, palms out, protecting, repelling fighting what I heard. I pulled my hands away and looked ahead and my face was staring at me from the mirror. My eyes were filled with terror, my mouth was open, emitting a low bellowing nooooo nooooo nooooo. And I knew what the sound was. My world was filled with horror. Oh not the horror that you may think about. Not bogeymen from my sleepless nights, not nightmares of pillage not disease or disaster, but from my loss. I could not face my loss. I could not tear another chunk of me and burn it to a char, But I was watching this cancerous thing eat me. It was eating me alive and leaving me with the useless scraps. I was becoming not ME! I was him. He owned me and didn't know it or care that he did. He took me piece by piece and I offered more. I had no more left to give, no more for him to take, no more that he wanted. The only thing I had left that was mine was my strength. I don't really know where it had hidden all these months when it could have helped. Maybe I nourished it, secretly knowing that I would need it when I would hear that sound. I stood naked, naked and stripped, naked and stripped and vulnerable, naked and stripped and vulnerable and his. My pussy was no longer mine to control, to please or to be pleased. I could no longer cum without crying because it was not him. My fingers searched for his face. They had no feeling left because they could not find sustenance. They pulled away from the emptiness and hid in shame. They had no meaning. They were nothing. WhenI looked to see where they were, what they were now made of; I saw "his" hand It no longer belonged to me. He had made love to that hand by devouring it. By fucking eating my hand one day he took it with him. How could I know the power of a master? How did I have the nerve to think I could fight against that power? It was a poison that had invaded me and worked its way slowly through my veins, through my marrow till they too belonged not to me. I do not sleep I do not dream Now I sleep and dream and my dreams are of him, sometimes of the him I want, sometimes of the him I fear but of him. And they do not let me rest because they scream at me and wake me only to lull me back for another peek into the darkness of my mind. My ears crave to hear his words, his sound, the sound I have come to be able to emulate with my voice the words and sounds I swore I could never live without. Maybe I wont be able to live Maybe I will only exist now. I have tasted the poison and it tasted so good. But I have my strength left and I have knowledge of what I was and I will use that strength to take all I learned from him and make it mine as he took me and made me his. And I will build a wall A wall that will be taller and thicker than his. Taller and thicker than his cock that wooed me and loved me and was loved by me and I will protect my self from that cock. And I will build that wall with no doors this time I cant live without him I cannot exist without him I am not with out him So behind that wall will have to begin a new me a better me my vulnerabilities still are with him I refuse to take them back I want to close my eyes and go away I want to sleep on a beach and feel the sun fill me with life again. the beach is still mine. He would not share it with me so it is mine. And when I can find me again I will have a place that is mine. And I wont have to think of his plants, his masks, his altars and candles and lube and crackers and incense and tables that I fell into and cut my leg and bled and was never comforted and a bed that had room for two bodies that melded together and wrapped into each other till we were one. And I wont have to look in my closet and agonize over what will he like to see me wear when I knew he loved how I looked even when it wasn't "his look". And I wont have to think about his wink of the eye when the corner of his sweet mouth broke into a small smile that made me feel special that dragged me into the fantasy world that held me fast in my belief that I could weather these hurts because I loved. And I would bisect his words till I could divide them and glue them together allowing me to believe that he loved me too. And those glued fragmented words became my world. And my world got emptier by the day and yet why I cried into the darkness of my soul why did I feel that the connection between us was deeper then ever and yet the separation of us further and further apart It made no sense till I realized I was him I wasnt me anymore I was consumed and I was him. I breathed his breath I regurgitated his vomit but he was not there I was just him. Alone. Two people became one but I was alone I was so alone that I hurt and ached to hear his breath to see his face to receive a crumb a piece of shit even that might be offered if his need might be there. I was owned and taken but not by a person but by an icon, a brass image that had no real feelings. Whose eyes could not really smile and blink and cry? Whose lips could not really kiss and suck and eat and bring me to a place far above this earth to a place I never knew existed a place I never wanted to leave? But now I grab that strength and I run I run so hard and so fast because if i keep running no matter how many times i snap back from the recoil of my bindings i will get up and run again and once just once now this time this time my buildup to the run the fast sprint will break the tie will let me run away dragging the leash behind my neck and my body torn and battered by the struggle by the fight and the race and bruised by the many months of running and not being able to break the tie, will win. And I look at that naked bruised and beaten body and wonder why. Why did he never care and take anyway Why did he have such a hole in him that could never be filled so he just kept taking and taking to try and fill the hole that he had and leave me and others with holes that we could now never fill? This is the power of a master that we must fear. It is more powerful than anything on earth. It is knowledge in the wrong hands It is misused knowledge more destructive than the atomic bomb. But this is the power that I needed and wanted and fought for and cried for and hungered for and bled for. This is the power that spread my legs and pumped my cunt dry and refilled it over and over just so that i could give it to him. And he took it and made it his. And I wanted to be his. and he wanted me to be his till I wanted to be his then he threw me away. But he was me and I was him and I could not be discarded. I could not be thrown into a paper shredder and forgotten. I too had a hold. but my hold was only in my resistance. He would not be fully empowered till I had no resistance left so he took more of me. He took my will and my reason. and he ate them too and nourished himself. then he took my soul and he cared and he didn't want to care But he had my soul and my soul is a good soul and a deep soul and it touched him and he didn't like to be touched he didn't want to be touched he only wanted to devour he ran i ran we ran together in different directions and my leash was broken but he still held the other end And i cried in the darkness and i wailed and stared through empty sockets and saw and i listened though deaf ears and i heard and my breath sucked for air in short labored gasps and i fell I fell beaten down finally I was so tired of the running, of the outstretched arms that were left outstretched, holding emptiness. And my arms got tired. And my fingers found my face and they caressed it because it was his face. My hands roamed my body and felt his body And the sadist that was so soft was mine and the sadist that was mean and harsh was for everyone else I would keep my soft sadist and I would relish my wounds and my tears and my broken spirit. And i will listen to the bellowing moan of nooo and i will watch my tortured eyes and I will remember how important I am because i am him and i will grow and soon the sound will become bearable and i will be able to stand up again and know that my legs are becoming mine again and someday i will run my hands over my body and i will feel and i will remember who taught me what to feel and i will shudder at my own touch and i will know that my breasts are mine again And I will look at my hand that is his and i will remember his mouth and i will lick my hand and lick him off and i will savor the taste of him and keep it in me forever but my hand will start to come back to me And my ears will remember as my whisper will say Cum with me please cum with me now and my noooo will be replaced by screams of two lovers sharing what made them one and i will be able to speak my own words again and maybe someday i will stop crying at what i wanted and rejoice at what i didn't get.
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