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An Indian Slut
Author: Adam123
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(Added on Oct 21, 2011)
(This month 156863 readers) (Total 190112 readers) |
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This is the story of how a married , beautiful indian wife is turned into a slut |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 2 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (6/10) |
| Average
Rating: (6/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (7/10) |
Lowest
Rating:  (5/10) |
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| Reviewer:
Michael247
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Nov 20, 2011 |
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Good sexual tension...
***
I'm approaching this from the perspective that the author, Adam123, is a new author. I also have to respectfully disagree with my fellow reviewer, Jimmy Jump, about the effectiveness of the plot. I have always been of the opinion that even tired worn out plots can be functional ones provided that the author using them can bring the story to life.
*
The first thing I'd like to say is that the sexual tension of this story works very well. The author did a good job with the pacing, as the introduction isn't drawn out and the torments applied to the narrator of the piece gradually increase intensity. That said, the torments were formulaic, and the author didn't really give us a whole lot of detail to make those scenes sing.
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Grammatically, the story was rift with errors, especially missing words or wrong words. Grammar check on MS Word would take care of a lot of these, but an editor would be even better. I advise the author to either find someone to read his stories first, or hold off posting them for a week or so, then go back and re-read them himself. Trust me, it will make a big difference. I usually have to wait MONTHS before I go back and edit MY stories. And that sucks because I sell mine and that means I have to wait for the money. Another grammar issue I want to point out to the author, is his use of simple sentences. Almost every sentence is a simple one, with few transitions and practically no prepositional phrases. It's one of the reasons that Jimmy said the story felt choppy. Try making every other sentence a COMPOUND sentence, connected with a transition like "but, however, and." Compound sentences encourage description and make your writing more complex and adds depth.
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Description is the other area the author can focus. Remember that stories are like movies. In a movie, there is a script writer to handle dialog, a director to handle staging, a costume designer, a stage manager to handle the sets, and a camera man to focus the attention. When writing a story, the author has to do all these things. A good formula to remember is that you 1. must set the stage. 2. describe the characters including their moods/expressions. 3. Set the tone (mood music per se) 4. Block the action. 5. Bring in the dialog. The main issue is that the author is the camera lens that must capture all of this and relate it to the reader. That is no mean feat. It's damned difficult.
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The author wrote his story in first person, a perspective that in general is very limiting for new authors. The problem with 1st person is that you are limited to the CHARACTER'S perspective, meaning that things happening outside her view, hearing, or presence, can't be relayed to the reader. For example, what if the husband had secretly been involved with this whole set up and after driving off, had quietly come back to watch? You can't relay that from 1st person unless the narrator character finds out somehow. Wouldn't that be a twist?
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Lastly, why isn't the story finished? We didn't really even GET to the third day! When writing a story with an obvious time limit construct like this one, don't get cold feet near the end. The last line is "and then I fainted," which could mean that another part is coming, but since we're almost to the end of the third day, it can't possibly be that long. Not to mention the fact that the abrupt ending destroyed the sexual tension. Clearly we were building up to the climax, right?
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All in all, I think the author has some talent and most of all, needs to keep writing. Clearly, just from being able to set the pace, he makes a bold attempt at a first story and I think with some practice and work, he could make a first rate story teller!
***
Yours Faithfully, Michael Alexander
(www.michaelalexanderstories.com) (7/10)
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| Reviewer:
JimmyJump
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Oct 30, 2011 |
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Writing is rushed, style is chopped, story has been done umpteen times before.
The above triumvirate make for a reading which doesn't spark any kind of interest in the characters as there's nothing there to give them depth.
It's not because you give the main character's age and measurments that you have more than a two-dimensional cardboard cut-out.
Story evolves along an amateurish "then this happened, then that happened, then we went here, then we went there" etc. ...
Not a "bad" attempt, but lots of room for improvement.
JJ (5/10)
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