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A few days in the mountains
Author: Dhemius
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(Added on Oct 21, 2011)
(This month 38729 readers) (Total 71433 readers) |
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After a bad break-up Rachel is spending summer in an old cottage in the mountains. Time passes slowly until some burglards break in and seeing the girl, decide to stay a bit longer... |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 1 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (5/10) |
| Average
Rating: (5/10) |
| Highest
Rating: (5/10) |
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Rating: (5/10) |
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| Reviewer:
Michael247
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Oct 28, 2011 |
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A Few Days In The Mountains seemed a lot longer...
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This is Dhemius' first story posted on the BDSM Library and I'd like to make a few recommendations, especially since the author has some great plot concepts here.
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First of all, watch your comma usage. You use them like most BDSM Library readers use tissue paper: FREQUENTLY. For example in the sentence "The muscular men was in her, his long, thick penis working in and out in her warm, tight cunt," you don't need the comma between long and thick nor do you need one between warm and tight. When you have two adjectives describing a noun, you don't need the comma, only if there are MORE than two, or if the descriptive adjective is actually a combination. To be honest, just check up on comma usage.
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In the story you did a very good job of describing the ACTION in most scenes, but there was very little in description of the environment, the antagonists, or of emotion. Adding some of this will help immensely.
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Lastly, you did a great job using dialog to promote the plot. It also conveyed some of the interior feelings of your characters, but be careful about identifying your speakers. A couple of times it was difficult telling who was speaking. Don't forget to add identifiers.
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Good luck and keep writing!
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Yours Faithfully, Michael Alexander
(www.michaelalexanderstories.com) (5/10)
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- Replied by:
dhemius
(Edit) (Dec 8, 2011)
- Thank you for your review. I know it is barely an excuse but as I'm not native English speaker I've always had problems with comas.
Thank you for criticism ;)
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