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Beauty Salon
Author: WhipMistress320
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(Added on Oct 9, 2011)
(This month 16538 readers) (Total 32588 readers) |
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weekly visit to the beauty salon turns in to fantasy scene of being put on display and helpless for all to play with |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 4 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (7.5/10) |
Average
Rating:  (8/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (9/10) |
Lowest
Rating:  (7/10) |
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| Reviewer:
Alix
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 2, 2011 |
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I liked it,except that the punctuation has turned in to little squares that are most disconcerting. That's not your fault, hope to see more writing from you and thanks for the story. (8/10)
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| Reviewer:
Michael247
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Oct 25, 2011 |
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The creativity was off the scale.
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This is WhipMistress320's first story posted here at the BDSM Library and so I am going to take that fact into serious consideration for this review. First of all, let me say that I felt that the creativity demonstrated in this vignette was absolutely stunning. There was sexual tension and the movement through the scene was exquisitely done.
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I do have a few recommendations for the author. First of all, paragraphs. You didn't have any. Paragraphs are a convenient way for linked concepts to be grouped and it provides readers a sort of linear concept of progression that allows us to categorize and file away pertinent information. In this particular story, the lack of paragraphs doesn't terribly hamper due to the length of the work, but anything longer would have been detrimental. Break up your writing into paragraphs.
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Watch your grammar. There are a ton of wrong and misspelled words in this vignette. It happens to all of us. The key here is to find someone to edit for you, or to wait a week or so and re-read what you've already written. When you read it immediately after writing, you'll find that frequently your mind will read what you THOUGHT you wrote, and not what you actually DID write. There are other tricks to doing this, but you can look those up on your own.
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It's fairly obvious you have "ACTION" down. But there is a lot more to the story than just action. For example, the narrator of the "Beauty Salon" is very technical in her descriptions about what is happening to her, but at no moment does she ever relate how she FEELS about it. Except for the question at the end about WHY these men are doing this to her, we have absolutely no emotional feedback from her at all. Why? Is she on Valium or something? If I were being sexually assaulted by strangers, I'd be feeling some pretty powerful emotions!
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It also pays to add more description. You described your action sequences perfectly. Give that same sort of detail to your environmental descriptions. Remember, when you write it is similar to making a movie, except an author has to do it all. You have to handle lighting, sets, costumes, blocking, screenplay, directing, and all of this is done through the lens of your eyes. But an author can add aspects a movie can't. An author can describe the antiseptic smell of the perm style station, or the soap smell of the shampoo. She can describe the aftershave one of the men was wearing, or the roughness of the rope against her skin. Use that ability to add depth to your story.
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All in all the author's ability at generating an appealing tale is quite good. Broadening the author's horizons and improving her METHOD of telling the amazing story she already created in her head will bring us some fantastic stories in the future. Good luck and keep writing!
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Yours Faithfully, Michael Alexander
(www.michaelalexanderstories.com) (7/10)
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| Reviewer:
scoripo49
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Oct 16, 2011 |
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very good hope to see more (9/10)
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| Reviewer:
Curtis
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Oct 13, 2011 |
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Very hot. I'll be checking back to see why this is happening to her. Too bad about the way the Library screwed with your formatting. (8/10)
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