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Viking Instinct
Author: Bladesmith Blaze
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(Added on Jan 8, 2011)
(This month 15864 readers) (Total 30178 readers) |
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A football player indulges in a fantasy with a half-white, half-Latina cheerleader |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
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of Ratings: 1 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (6.5/10) |
Average
Rating:  (8/10) |
| Highest
Rating: (8/10) |
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Rating: (8/10) |
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| Reviewer:
Michael247
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jan 13, 2011 |
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Ginger Vikings: the Menace of the SEAS!
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Sorry. Just had to get that out of the way. Okay, first of all, let me say this was a pretty good start to a serial story. Even more amazing is the fact that the author actually understand how to WRITE and PRESENT a serial, compared to half of the other authors who do it here on the BDSM Library. Personally, I detest serial stories. Mostly because I read or write so much fiction that by the time I get around to seeing Part Whatever, I don't remember what happened in the first place. That said, serials have a time and place and its important to remember that.
*
Vicking Instinct by Bladesmith Blaze takes a rather worn out flat and formulaic rape scenario, and virtue of better than average story telling, proceeds to breathe life into the classic "football player kidnaps cheerleader and rapes her story." The author has a very developed capability at description, painting vivid pictures, which is difficult to do in 1st person because you are forced to use the "eyes" of your "speaking" character. Even the environments are described, which adds depth and realism. I've been telling authors that being a writer is a lot like making a movie, except the author has to be everything: the camera, the screenwriter, handle blocking, sets, costumes, and directing. Most authors here at the Library don't get that. Bladesmith Blaze does.
* I did encounter a few grammatical errors, but they were negligible. Sentences were almost always compound or complex and made sense. It's refreshing to encounter an author who does a good job with the language.
* I DO have a FEW critiques, because let's be honest, whats the point of a review if you don't get critical feedback, right? The first is how the various "fetishes" of our antagonist (I always love that these rape stories MY hero is the antagonist!) are introduced. Unlike the kidnapping of Christine's friend, which was foreshadowed briefly, we didn't get ANYTHING to warn us that not only was our linebacker a typical male high school senior with a big dick and a need to put it in every available girl, but also had developed fetishes most males don't discover until they've either had unlimited access to the internet and UNLIMTED FREE TIME (so no football practice!) or they're thirty something years old, with a slight paunch and a desire to have pretty young girls tied up and available for all sorts of fun. How could this have been eased into? Beats me. Maybe a short explanation on how our never named hero got into tying up and raping women, who knows? But easing into it rather than "oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, I'm not only a horny high school senior football player that wants to be rough with your daughter, but I'm ALSO the dark monster that wants to tie her up, rape her, and do bad things to certain parts of her body."
* One of the major issues here is reality and believability. Our unnamed Viking took a few too many risks. First of all, choking out a person is never a sure way to guarantee unconsciousness, and to be honest, usually they come around pretty fast. Even a lateral vascular neck restraint won't incapacitate a person longer than two or three seconds completely, though you do get the benefit of "what the fuck just happened?" out of them for a good thirty. Plus every would be rapist (though none of us are!) was cringing when Viking (please excuse me naming the character) texted Carly. Those things are not only recorded but trackable. He should have not only turned off the phone but taken out the battery from the first second! Especially if Christine wasn't coming back from THIS date. I know. These are petty details, but petty details make up the big details, and believability and reality add depth to a story.
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The next reason, and probably the primary one for me, that this story did not rank any higher was that while the author wrote a successful serial, the timing wasn't quite right. There was a lot of scene setting, and while the sexual tension slowly increased, it really didn't get to the starting line until Viking did his choke hold (another insane act that could have ended disastrously BTW). Once Christine was kidnapped, the sexual tension steadily built up, but the climax of Christine's rape arrived to soon for those of us reading to really ENJOY what was going on. There's a reason television shows usually premier with a special TWO HOUR episode. You have to take time to introduce characters and such, but then you also want feel the tension and plot and come back next week for the next episode. I'm fine with your readers "wanting more", but there's a difference between having them want more and not getting what they really wanted in the first place. Christine's rape was about a third of the story, which made it balanced, but that was the CLIMAX, the part we ALL wanted to read. So more climax please...
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My last critique is dialog. Once again, the author demonstrates superior writing ability in his combined use of dialog as well as action. In fact, action, dialog, and description are well balanced. But during the dialog scenes there were too many lines without character identifiers. I got confused who was talking in certain parts. Granted, I read too fast, but still, a few "he said" or "Christine grinned" here or there gives the readers good clues as to who is chatting. It makes the difference.
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So there we have it. A better than usual offering here at the BDSM Library from an author who seems to know what he's doing, but needs to polish things up just a bit. But hell, that describes most of us. Note to Author: send me a note when you post part two. I generally don't peruse the "Update" section because of my distaste for serials, and I'd love to read the rest of this!
*
Yours Faithfully,
Michael Alexander (www.michaelalexanderstories.com) (8/10)
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- Replied by:
Bladesmith Blaze
(Edit) (Jan 15, 2011)
- First of all, Michael, I consider this a success, seeing as you deemed my first story ever published worthy of 4 stars. Since I am an amateur, I appreciate the constructive criticism that made up 75% of your review.
1) Yes, the story is indeed a worn out template for a rape fantasy. The reason I applied it? Every cheerleader ever depicted in porn seems to be the reoccuring image of a blond Barbie with paticular focus on extra large breasts. At least I changed the image of the cheerleader herself. Not to sound egotistical, but the authors who have so often used this formula, I get the feeling most of them have never talked to a cheerleader before. I used my own athletic history and physical description for the basis, which goes to show that I actually have experience with this crowd. I thought that somebody who actually played football, was invited to rich people's parties and talked to attractive girls could make it more realistic. And I'd say it worked, judging by what you said yourself in the review's positive aspect.
2) Dialogue? Yes, I can see why you hit me up for that. It is was it is, you understand me? I'm not very talkative in person, plus I'm not as good at describing human communication as well as setting and visuals. I'll get better with time / experience, though.
3) Concerning the legitimatecy of my character's (who IS named Hunter, mentioned about twice in the dialogue) fetishes: A football season, practice and all, will not cause fetishes to disappear. Personally, I go on a porn binge a mere 4 times a year on average. I can say from personal development that these attractions are not spawned out of internet access and too much free time. We're born with them, and by the way, I'm way younger than 30. The interest in bondage shows up at a very early age (they will most often keep it secret), then mainifests into sexual desire once puberty hits. Obviously my character was also born with sociopathic tendencies, but I'm not writing a physciatric thesis here.
4) You're over-analyzing certain details too much. To ensure Christine passed out, yes, he could have done it Dexter Morgan style and stuck a needle of sedatives in her neck, but then he wouldn't have gotten to squeeze and feel her struggle (the whole point of the scene). Maybe the set up isn't all that believable because I've never actaully planned out an abduction / rape before. Yes, Hunter takes a lot of risks if the reader really thinks about it, but the whole point of this was sexual fantasy, not the next episode of CSI.
5) After reading it back to myself, I did realize that the action started way too late in the story. However, this is a serial, meaning that establishing a good base was necessary and that there's plenty more bondage action to come (with nowhere near as much background required).
6) I will send you a notification when part 2 is published, and it looks like it will be sexier than ever. Having established a jumping-off point, I no longer need to use, like you said, a worn-out and formulaic scenario.
- Replied by:
Michael247
(Edit) (Jan 18, 2011)
- Bladesmith - you got me on Hunter's name. I read to damn fast. Sorry. I guess I need to point out just one more thing you're good at - knowing when reviewers provide good critique and when we're full of shit. So much of it is just opinion, and I've had my own times when I've looked back at what someone else had to say about my story, and said to myself "what the hell does THIS guy know?" So kuddos. I'll read the second chapter soon.
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