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Melissa
Author: Paul Octo
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(Added on Oct 30, 2010)
(This month 21245 readers) (Total 42419 readers) |
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Melissa is a sweet girl who finds herself paying for the actions of her father in the most brutal way. She is kidnapped, tortured, and gang-raped on camera before meeting her end. |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 4 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (7.5/10) |
Average
Rating:  (8/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (9/10) |
Lowest
Rating:  (7/10) |
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| Reviewer:
Tavy
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jun 5, 2012 |
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If I had been reviewing this after just the first part like the other reviewers I would have agreed with their scores and comments. But being fortunate enough to now read both parts in one go I felt like giving it a 10 - especially after the description of her scourging!
Reluctantly I eventually decided on a 9 due to a few irritating minor errors. (9/10)
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| Reviewer:
CrazedDog
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Nov 7, 2010 |
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Good, tried but true story beginning with a ton of potential to do some real dirty deeds done dirt cheep! (8/10)
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| Reviewer:
Michael247
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Nov 4, 2010 |
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The first thing that came to mind when I finished this story was "ARRRRRGGGHGHHHHHHHHH"
*** Okay, let's get started. Once again I must repeat my diatribe about serial stories. I've done this like fifty times here on the BDSM Library, but evidently we still have authors who don't get it. It's a fucking epidemic here. FINISH YOUR STORY BEFORE POSTING! Okay look, any time you tell a story there are certain things built into the story telling frame that evoke certain responses in your readers. Plot for example is usually shaped like a mountain, with an introduction (characters and scene), a problem and or situation for the characters to work through, a climax where things seem to be at their worst, then a resolution or cliff hanger, where the protagonist either solves the problem or it is carried over to the next chapter/part/or episode. Imagine if you will an episode of the television show 24. There is a season plot arc, which all of the episodes contribute too, but each episode in and of itself has this same SUB PLOT arc, complete with introduction, situation, climax, and resolution or cliffhanger. In the case of "Melissa", the author has established characters, a horrible situation (Melissa has been captured), and then starts the journey up to the climax. Except it stops. "To be continued". This leaves your readers wanting, and not in a good way. It leaves them frustrated, irritable, and in my case, extremely horny with no release. Thanks. Thanks a lot. If you are going to write a serial story, each "edition" or "part" needs to be a self-contained sub-story with in the overall plot arc. In this case we got half the story.
*** Which brings me to the plot. WOW. Yes, an oldie but goodie, but my goodness! In seconds I went from "hey what's this about?" to "YEAH! THIS IS GONNA ROCK!" And to be honest, it sorta did. The action was fast paced, the action descriptions were vivid, there was emotional reaction on the part of Jack the father (though I still wonder if he was having some incestuous feelings too), and all around good times for everyone involved. Except Melissa. And probably Jack. Maybe. Oh well, I was having a good time.
*** Grammatically, this story needed some assistance. Sentence construction was relatively simple and there were some pretty glaring errors. Add in some tense problems in the first paragraph (is it present tense or past tense?) and the need for an editor is pretty evident. I get the feeling that this story was written in a rush, never proof-read, and then posted in a rush.
*** The author, Paul Octo, did a really good job in balancing action and dialog, which is tough for a lot of new authors to do well. Both dialog and action move the plot along, and this story was fast paced and blood warming. The pace, plot, and action of this story really created a blood warming effect that pulled me along like a speed boat dragging a water skier. I needed what was coming. I wanted what was coming. And then I hit the dock. Hard.
*** I also felt that this story lacked a lot of description. Sure, the action was described, and described well, but nothing else was. What did Jack's house look like? What does Jack look like? What did the "studio" Melissa was being tortured in look like? Was it cold (she had goosebumps?) or was it hot? Why was it hot? Were their television studio lights? Was the rope nylon or hemp? Does she have tan lines? Was she on tip toe or flat footed? Were her fingernails painted? See what I mean? A zillion details were possible and we didn't get much. Remember, writing a story is like making a movie, except that the author is the actual lens. You still need to set/build the scene. You still need costumes. You can't just write dialog and direct a few people on an empty stage and expect your audience to enjoy it. "Hey. PRETEND this is a home guys!" It just doesn't work.
*** Technically, this story would have rated a lower number from me based upon the errors, being an incomplete serial, and the lack of scenic description, but frankly that plot concept and action are just so kick ass, with the author reaching out, grabbing your shirt, and dragging you along, that I had to give it a higher rating. What's more, is that with a bit of revision my rating would sky rocket, especially if the rest of this story completes the plot cycle. I'm not sure where this is going, but I would love to see more torture of Melissa, maybe electrical, maybe water, maybe both, and then have her snuffed, right there. Jack gets pissed, gets his gun, and starts a vendetta of revenge, ignoring the law and interrogating kidnappers (maybe one of them a woman where he does similar things to her that the Blue Dragon guys did to Melissa?) and working his way up the ladder until he finds the top dogs. He's about to pay them back with bullets, assaulting their headquarters, watching as they sexually assault and abuse their latest victim, who is still hooded. He stops to watch, because he realizes that he likes what they are doing to the girl, especially after what he did to that female kidnapper. Finally, after masturbating to her whipping, and just before they kill her, he comes to himself, shoots the bad guys, and frees the girl, only to discover... ITS is OTHER DAUGHTER! Now that's what I call a plot! But hey, it's not my story, but if this is what we get from Mr. Octo, I'll post this sucker on my blog!
*** So in summary we have a fresh new author with a lot of raw talent, but who needs some seasoning on the finer points of story construction. That comes with experience, so keep writing Mr. Octo. Keep writing.
***Yours Faithfully,
Michael Alexander (www.michaelalexanderstories.com) (7/10)
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| Reviewer:
SirStef
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Oct 31, 2010 |
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I'll be watching for the next chapter. lots of potential (8/10)
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