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He Told Me
Author: Carla
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(Added on May 15, 2010)
(This month 9298 readers) (Total 15308 readers) |
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Curiousity of submissive for experienced dom. |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
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of Ratings: 2 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (6/10) |
Average
Rating:  (6.5/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (7/10) |
| Lowest
Rating: (6/10) |
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| Reviewer:
bracemaiden
(Edit) |
Rating: |
May 20, 2010 |
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The story fell into the trap of simple sentence construction - almost all sentences were I (action) or he (action). Few descriptions or feelings. (6/10)
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| Reviewer:
Michael247
(Edit) |
Rating: |
May 20, 2010 |
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This little tidbit is getting a higher than usual rating from me because I sense something here that goes a bit beyond the typical story construction I find here at the BDSM Library. To be honest, "He Told Me" wasn't technically a short story, but a vignette, which really changes the way you have to review it.
*** First of all, its rare for vignettes to have a plot. This one does, which puts it in a unique category. It's a simplistic plot - the retelling of a young woman's sexual encounter with her desired master. But the author does a relatively decent job with it.
*** My first real critical point is the title and the very first sentence. "He told me no." Huh? Why? And if he said no, why is she still pursuing him, or did he mean "no I won't let you go until you've had this little pill which will make your inhibitions drop like a whore's pants and then I'll screw your brains out." See? That first sentence (and the title) makes absolutely no sense in relation to the rest of the story. Or maybe I'm to dense to get the relationship.
*** I also think that the sentence construction is a bit disjointed. This is caused almost exclusively by the overuse of prepositional phrases. Now I'm not against prepositional phrases, but the author uses them practically every sentence. I would recommend trying compound sentences, rather than prepositional phrases to enhance the complexity of the writing style. Granted, the author is no where near as dangerous as author J.Lewis is with preps, but it can be a bit distracting when its practically the only sentence construction style used.
** This story is written in first person, which is a pretty frequent approach for erotica writers. It makes the author/narrator into one of the characters and makes it easier to relate the emotional and physical content the character is feeling because the author doesn't have to go out of their comfort zone. Usually. In this case, the author did a pretty good job bringing the feeling of the story to life. However writing in first person handicaps inexperienced authors with issues like plot movement, description, and communicating other character emotion. Its all because first person puts the point of view into a single character's hands. That means the author has to use that character to relay everything else that's going on. Like the rain tapping on the window, the flickering lightbulb, the creaking bed, the scent of the Master's cologne, or even the expression of mad lust on his face. The reader must rely on the one character to notice all this and relay it.
*** One thing that was lacking though was pertinent descriptions. Absolutely nothing was described. Not the narrator, not the bed, not the master, not the room, not even the ropes. Were they scratchy? Were they thick? The author focuses almost entirely on the ACTION of the story. While action and dialog DO move a plot along, description adds a sense of depth to the scene. Imagine watching a television program where there is no built set, and instead the director taped the action in a dark warehouse with only a few spotlights providing illumination. Would you feel a bit odd, especially if you were told to imagine that this scene is in a bedroom? Authors are in the same line of work as movie studios, but unlike a movie, where all of the jobs are done by different people, an author has to do it all. The author has to build the set (descriptions), write the screenplay (dialog), direct (action), manage the props (action and description) and do it all through the lens of the written word. Its a tough job to master.
*** All that said I think that the author has some talent. Word-smithing is more about being able to convey something to the reader and "He Told Me" certainly had something to communicate. It was personal, deep, slightly dark, and emotional.
*** I hope that the author continues to write, and I would especially like to encourage her to move out of that initial comfort zone toward third person narratives, and toward an actual story, rather than a vignette. (Not that there is anything wrong with vignettes, but they're like movie clips, or trailers.) It would be fascinating to see what the author could do when writing out a real story, with a full length plot arc, climax, and resolution. I sense that she could actually construct a pretty good story.
* Yours Faithfully, Michael Alexander (www.michaelalexanderstories.com) (7/10)
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