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Long awaited meeting
Author: Aohila
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(Added on May 15, 2010)
(This month 12165 readers) (Total 29919 readers) |
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I am finally meeting you after sharing pics and chatting over the net. I going to be as un-inhibited as possible as your sex toy |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 2 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (7.5/10) |
Average
Rating:  (8.5/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (10/10) |
Lowest
Rating:  (7/10) |
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| Reviewer:
Amayon
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jun 11, 2010 |
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There is allot I could say about this story but I will keep it short. Once you get passed the bad spelling and punctuation it is the best story I have ever read.
I got off plenty of times during the first reading and many more times with further readings.
I give it a 10 for content! (10/10)
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| Reviewer:
Michael247
(Edit) |
Rating: |
May 19, 2010 |
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When I review a story, there are a multitude of different angles that I like to examine. As the first posted story of Aohila, I want to take a moment to applaud the writer. There is no doubt in my mind that she has the ability to craft a great tale. Granted, it was a bit journalistic, but it also seemed episodic, and I have to give her kudos especially for posting it all at once. The plot of this story is not about some girl giving herself to a master, its about the various public and private torments he inflicts upon her, each moving to a more difficult (emotionally and physically) level in a dynamic way.
*** This story was written in both first and second person, which is probably the rarest combination of narrative possible. It means that neither the narrator nor actor are identified. Since the POV is in first person, I would recommend leaving out the second person descriptors. Actually create a character as the master. When you use "YOU" as the main descriptor, you handicap yourself by not being able to provide real depth or character growth. The narrator of the story grew, which was especially obvious at the end when she discovered he posted the photographs of her. But the master character never did. Also remember that readers will be more inclined to fall in love with your characters if you make them real people. In this particular case, the male character did things to her I would NEVER do to a female, so the "YOU" was very odd and I had trouble inserting myself into the story.
*** A couple of the scenes were rather repetitive and I wished that we had gotten to spend more time in that second bedroom. There was a lot of public sex, which I admit I enjoyed, but then a lot of what the male character did to the narrator was very similar to previous scenes. I guess I just felt that the author had built up this great expectation with the announcement of the torture room and then we really didn't use it much.
*** I enjoyed the "reality" of this tale. Usually I don't care for stories that are too "reality" based because this is fiction and in fiction I want things to be a little over the top. In this case, the author did a relatively good job in creating sexual tension and slowly building it up. Granted, due to the episodic nature of the scenes, that tension dropped and then had to rebuild. But I don't think that really hurt the story. I'll admit that while the story didn't technically have a climax, I did. Twice. So by that alone this story gets a pretty good rating from me.
*** Sentence Construction and Grammar: For the most part, the writing wasn't bad. In fact, for the most part the writing was good. There were a few wrong words, like "lye" for "lie", which is a pretty drastic oops. Lye is a type of chemical. Lie (as in lie down" is something else, like a horrible word that never be used to describe getting on a bed. It's lay. Or laid. That kind of mistake happens a lot in this story and is something that Microsoft Word can't help with. I recommend trying to find an editor who is willing to read your stuff and fix those tiny errors. Sentence construction was practically perfect. The author added enough compound sentences to show that she's got some serious budding talent at word-smithing.
*** Descriptions: This is where I was a bit disappointed. From the structure of the story, we were never really going to get descriptions of either main character. I can only imagine what the narrator looks like. So I pictured her looking a lot like Alison Angel. I know what I look like, which is depressing, so we'll skip that. The author did a very good job describing the ACTION in the various scenes, but other than nebulous and base descriptions of the house, restaurants, the car, and a parking lot where people publicly fuck, we really don't know what anything looks like. We're they eating at a McDonalds or an Italian restaurant? The author implies they were at a nice place, but it beats me. We didn't even get to find out what they were eating. I realize that those things didn't move the plot along, not like action and dialog, but imagine watching a movie where the actors are in a restaurant and the director uses imaginary food. And imaginary plates. And instead of building a set, he just sets up a table and chairs on a blank stage and films it. There is a reason you set the stage. Make sure your descriptions aren't just about the action and the props you use in your action. This is a hallmark of a truly advanced writer. Have the narrator DESCRIBE where she is, what it looks like, the scents of the food, or the shadows in the dark or maybe the lights of the city scape. It gives depth to the story. This is even more important when writing in first person, since everything in the story has to be "seen" through the narrator's eyes.
*** I have one more small concern here, and that is if this story was written by an actual slave girl for her master. It happens pretty frequently here on the BDSM Library. I don't think that's the case because of the way the story ended, but if that IS the case then I hope the author's master will allow her to write more, and grow in style and ability. Because the truth is that Aohila has some really awesome talent that needs to be allowed to grow and mature and if she is limited to writing slave perspective stories it will stunt her growth as a writer. She's got a great talent for creativity, and the ability to relate what happens. I'd love to see her branch out and start writing some third person tales, crafting new scenarios, and adding descriptions and depth.
*** So when all is done and said I think this story is a really great first offering from an up and coming author. There is a lot of growing that needs to happen in her style and ability, but the foundation for that is there. I have great expectations. I look forward to reading the next tale from Aohila. Yours Faithfully, Michael Alexander (www.michaelalexanderstories.com) (7/10)
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