|
|
|
|
|
The Deal
Author: Akasha
|
| |
(Added on Jun 20, 2006)
(This month 10954 readers) (Total 21696 readers) |
| |
Story removed ---author did not write
this story --- |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 4 |
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| 1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
6 |
7 |
8 |
9 |
10 |
| 0% |
0% |
0% |
0% |
0% |
25% |
50% |
25% |
0% |
0% |
|
Weighed
Average (?):  (7/10) |
| Average
Rating: (7/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (8/10) |
Lowest
Rating:  (6/10) |
|
|
|
|
| Reviewer:
heycarrieanne
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jun 22, 2006 |
| |
Your writing skills are fine, but trying to reconcile a 16-year-old girl not being missed by her parents is just a bit unrealistic. (6/10)
|
|
|
|
|
| Reviewer:
mkemse
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jun 22, 2006 |
| |
good reading but a bit weak in the details, wish it was longer (7/10)
|
|
|
|
|
| Reviewer:
kilmarnock
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jun 21, 2006 |
| |
It's a good beginning. The immediate and extreme violence doesn't appeal to me personally. I think the reader would prefer to be drawn toward the violence rather than having it so meaninglessly thrust upon us, but that is a matter of taste and style. I think its more effective when we are able to feel more for the victim. Allow us to get to know her better. The story is missing the element of betrayal. Arial should feel betrayed by her brother - he led the life of a drug dealer and now his 'sins' have come crashing down on HER. Also, if Blake had been sweet to her, taken her first to AZ and allowed to bond a little with him, and once there in AZ, he began the abuse, then we have another opportunity for betrayal and we'd have gotten to know her better by then as well.
Take your time with those first experiences. Let us feel her huumiliation at having to strip for him. She's never done this before. What's going on in her head? Then she gets whipped with the belt. This also, is a first. She's not been whipped before. Tell us more about how it feels. What are her thoughts? Allow us to savor this experience, drag it out more. Help us feel her pain and humiliation as well as Blakes pleasure.
Okay, this is my first review, so maybe you shouldn't take it too seriously. But I did like your story and think its got potential. It does make me want to read your next addition. I want to find out what happens to her. I'm also curious about what's going through her brother's mind and how all this gets explained to her parents and authorities when the little 16 year old and her car turn up missing. And does the car get left at Blake's cabin?
As for Blake's character, 6'3" and 170 makes him a beanpole. Just how fearsome can a stick like that be? The image that comes to my mind is almost comical. Arial was much more believable.
I look forward to part 2. (7/10)
|
|
|
|
|
| Reviewer:
jip
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jun 21, 2006 |
| |
The story has a lot of promises. The description of the "training" is good. perhaps a little hard from the beginning, but ok. Suspect there will be a follow up. (8/10)
|
|
|
About 