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Late Night at the Office
Author: whisky
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(Added on Aug 20, 2005)
(This month 10412 readers) (Total 22099 readers) |
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Thomas is too preoccupied with work to notice Mina the cleaning lady - he pays for this slight |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 2 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (5/10) |
| Average
Rating: (5/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (6/10) |
Lowest
Rating:  (4/10) |
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| Reviewer:
azrlg17
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jan 13, 2007 |
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Nothing much yet, only the abduction. At least it seems feasible but Mina sure took a lot of risk. The police can surely place here near the crime scene at the time of the crime. She doesn't know if any of her cleaning colleagues have seen Thomas whether the police can tell the time exactly from whatever he is working on on his computer. If she watched so many shows then she shouldn't do this so impulsivly. And the first thing she should have gone for is his mouth because I really can't understand why he didn't cry out in alarm or pain. (4/10)
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| Reviewer:
Ranai
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Aug 30, 2005 |
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Kidnapping makes a yummy fantasy setup. The pretext here is very flimsy, but... so what! The strength of the story so far lies in the action described, which is definitely fun.
Open question for the upcoming instalments: What made Thomas attractive as a prey? If Mina decided to make her fantasy true with him as the victim, he must have fulfilled some criteria. What makes him the sort of man she wants to have in her power?
Please take the following as constructive criticism.
Try to begin your story with something that captures the reader's interest. A description, thoughts, a piece of dialogue... whatever you wish. In the present version, this story starts with an excerpt from the author's notebook. Try to work this sort of information into the text with elegance, intermingling it with action.
Character descriptions: please don't make lists. It is not necessary to introduce fictional characters in the style of personal ads. Forget about numbers, especially measurements and exact age! Instead, see if you can create occasions here and there in a story where you show that, for example, Mina does something that reveals her athletic training, remembers a particular crime show, uses a Spanish or Portuguese expression, etc.
Basically, between putting down your notes 'What do I want to tell my readers?' and the actual ficional text, you need to insert the step 'How do I show or tell this?'
Abduction portrayed as 'instincts taking over before she could even think'? No jury would believe that, and readers don't believe it either. What you describe is to a certain extent premeditated, and certainly involves thinking. How about, in addition to giving Mina the necessary dark desires and unscrupulousness, giving her the brains, too?
To avoid turning your female character, paradoxically, into a 'lonely guy kidnapping service', you need to give her adequate motivation, and show convincingly what she gets out of it.
I am looking forward to read more and will visit this page again. (6/10)
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