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Air Encounter
Author: obohobo
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(Added on May 6, 2004)
(This month 9980 readers) (Total 17556 readers) |
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Daphne befriends a crippled man on the flight from America to England and, much to her mother's annoyance, goes to live with him. |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 4 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (7/10) |
Average
Rating:  (7.5/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (8/10) |
| Lowest
Rating: (7/10) |
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| Reviewer:
SubMissive
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 21, 2005 |
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Can we get some more here? Maybe Daphne and David try out some s&m?? Please :) Love your writing style! (7/10)
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| Reviewer:
Alex Bragi
(Edit) |
Rating: |
May 21, 2004 |
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Yes, it’s a nice story, and refreshingly different.
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The first thing that I noticed about your writing style is you don't use a lot of contractions. I feel this may have made, particularly, your dialog feel a little awkward. e.g. "He cannot get his legs under the seat in front and we will not..." Most people would say - "He can't get his legs under the seat in front and we'll not..." I agree with Faibhair too, in that, some of the dialog is just simply superfluous. Avoid allowing unnecessary 'talk' bog your story down.
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Now something that rather disappointed me was, the scene in toilet, here I was saying 'Oh yes!' and looking forward to some really dirty detail, but oh no! it never happened. I would love to have read all the fine details about how she 'helped' him, not to mention the other passenger’s reactions to what they suspected was going on. And I'm sorry, but I have a feeling, I might not be the only reader frustrated by this. Don't let opportunities like that slip by you, they’re just too good to miss, and as a writer, I know you’re more than capable of juicing up a scene like that.
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On the super nit picky side, your flight times seemed to get confused, in one place Daphne says she will be happy to get away from her mother for a couple of hours, but then it's a 13 hour flight. Sure this is just minor hiccup, but it will bug some more pedantic readers, so proof read carefully.
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On the positive side, you have certainly managed to bring your characters to living breathing full colour in this reader's head. Can you believe it, I actually know women like Daphne and her mother? (I loved the repeated use of 'mother' too, by the way , it had such a harsh and sterm feel.) Good grief, I hope this story hasn't been modelled on your own family.
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I especially like the back-story about Daphne's spankings, again however, I wouldn't have minded just a little more detail.
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Ok, well put together and a good story for sure. Only please, next time include a little more detail for sick little bunnies like me.
(7/10)
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| Reviewer:
Faibhar
(Edit) |
Rating: |
May 13, 2004 |
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This refreshingly different approach makes for fine reading. The dialogue-driven plot could, however, use a bit of tightening up to make the story pace even more swift. (7/10)
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| Reviewer:
longrover
(Edit) |
Rating: |
May 6, 2004 |
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It's always nice when a nag gets just desserts. Good characters, good story. (8/10)
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