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5. Maxwell's equations
Miss Kali and I stride to the front of the physics lab. I eye the class judiciously, careful not to provoke them in any way.
Miss Kali informs, "Girls, this is your new physics teacher. I know that you will learn a great deal from him if control is excised. I have assured Mr. Jefferson that you will respect his privacy as much as he respects yours. Train well girls, good luck." Miss Kali gives me a reassuring nod and leaves.
I launch into my lecture. "Girls, today you will figure out experiments which prove that electricity and magnetism are two parts of the same coin". One of Maxwell's equations is:
An Electric current is generated by a magnetic field.
At that moment a Toronto girl drops the pencils in her pencil case. She stands up, turns around, and bends over to pick them up. Her short skirt rides up just below one of the most beautiful apples my eyes have every beheld. Pokey stirs. "Now, who here knows a method to generate electricity using magnetism? I can't take my eyes off her bottom. My pokey tries to look over the trouser parapet.
An Austrian girl in the front row sees my trousers move. She connects the dots from my eyes, to the Toronto girl's bum, to the trouser movement. "Laura, Mr. Jefferson is getting a hard-on looking at your bottom!" I shift my eyes rapidly as Laura swings around, beside herself with embarrassment.
She strides to the front of the class, and taking the proof in hand enquires, "Mr. Jefferson. Were you looking at my bottom?"
"It was an accident", I cringe, as she squeezes the proof in anger.
"You've just invaded my privacy. Miss Kali said we are to respect your privacy the same way you respect ours. Take off those trousers right now". Well I wasn't going to obey this slip of a girl. Her hand grabs my balls through the trousers. Well, maybe this once I'll do as this girl says, but when she lets go of my balls, then things will change pronto. I slide my trousers down. Her other hand grabs my born free pokey. "Step out of them now and put your hands on your head so we can start the experiment" Laura demands, ensuring compliance with a two handed clutch on my balls and pokey. I step out of my trousers and put my hands on my head. "You heard Miss Kali girls, she expects us to learn control." Laura grins and looking at the Austrian tattletale says, "Katy, can you please take off your shoelaces and tie Mr. Jefferson up?" Now that puzzled me. I'm a pretty big guy. Two shoelaces weren't going to hold me, I thought, grinning inwardly.
Katy takes off her shoelaces and stands in front of me thinking. Sitting down, she wraps a shoelace tightly around one of my balls in a slipknot tightening until she had pure marble. She does the same with the second shoelace and says, "Ok, Laura, let him go. I think this will work". Laura lets me go. I move to grab my balls. Two strings go taut in opposite directions. I almost lose my marbles. Torn, I move my hands back on top of my head.
Katy absently starts to pull down on the strings. My pokey goes down. She raises her hand. My pokey goes up. "This puppet is fun" she says, and mischievously starts bouncing my fully erect pokey up and down in front of the all the eighteen-year old girls. My shame was intense. The laughter just went on and on.
Finally Laura said "Ok, anyone have any idea how to make electricity with magnetism?"
A girl in a Calgary cowboy hat stands saying, "Magnets moving through a copper coil generate electricity I think. Here let me show you. Katy get me a stool?" She goes to the back of the lab and returns carrying a number of ring magnets, a copper coil and a blue lamp. Delicately lifting my pokey with finger and thumb, she threads it through the magnets. She places the copper coil on the stool Katy brings, and hooks the copper wire to the lamp. Taking the shoelaces from the puppet master, the Calgarian pulls me behind the stool so I face the class. She drops one shoelace into the large coil and pulling one of my balls, steers an objecting pokey carefully through the coil with her other hand. My pokey eye stares obscenely through the copper coil at the girls. The cowboy grabs the pokey side lasso. After directing Laura to hold the lasso behind me, she says "Ok Laura, we need to get the magnets moving through the copper coil to get the light bulb to burn. Katy can you set the tempo please."
Katy spanks my bum as the cowboy pulls one ball's slipknot. Pokey goes forward. Laura pulls the other ball. Pokey goes backwards. Spank, forward, backward. Spank, forward, backward. Katy sets a slow tempo making sure the co-ordination is fluid. The sight of pokey's head sluicing in and out of the coil draws chuckles from the class. Katy ups the tempo. My balls lose the rhythm. Deep pain until I properly synchronize. I focus on the spanks to anticipate the pulls. The pulls reduce.
"Still no light Susan", Laura observes looking at the cowboy pulling the other string.
Susan thinks for a moment. "If we gradually increase the tempo, the light should go on." Seeing Katy favor her hand, she asks all the girls to line up and spank my bum twenty times. Each girl is to spank slightly quicker than the girl before them. They line up and Girl 2 increases the tempo. I smoothly detect the speed and increase pokey's thrusts. No ball pulls occur but my bum is starting to feel a little warm. A hundred drumbeats later, my pokey strokes the coil at 90 beats per minutes. My bum feels hot. I almost lost a ball when Girl Seven increased that beat more than expected. I focus hard on matching the beat. Susan and Laura have trouble pulling the strings at the new speed. They realize I'm only focusing on the drumbeat. They tentatively drop the strings.
I think I have it licked now. I'm humping the coil at just the right velocity. My balls aren't tugging anymore. Susan and Laura happily grin at each. After another hundred drumbeats, pokey screws the coil at 150 beats per minute. Bum flaming, Girl 12 needs to alternate hands to maintain the beat.
"Faster, Harder", Susan encourages. "The light is still not on". Girl 13 focuses intently. Machine gun spanks fill the air. Come Girl 18, I was being spanked so quickly that the sound of one spank to the next blurred. My magnetic pokey rocketed back and forth at 200 beats per minute. The light begins to flash. Hope ignites on the girls' faces. Girl 19 was Susan. She must have played bongos all her life. She thrashes me to 220 beats per minute. The light started to steady. Laura, the last girl takes two rulers. Sitting on the floor in front of my gyrating red moon, she positions herself like a drummer. God, she is a drummer. Her pounding drum roll moves me to 250 beats per minute. The blue light bursts into radiance as I intercourse with the copper coil. Then my bum lights up. Through an eerie light of red and blue, the girls watch me fuck the coil faster than a dog. Laura, not caring about her twenty-spank limit readies for the finale. She goes roll max and my pokey hoses the coil at 300 beats per minute. Both lights shine even brighter. Pokey's eye is wide open. The girls stare him down. God, I think I'm going to come. This is impossible; pokey is just humping air. Then it happens. He shoots --- The girls watch a white arc climb the sky. They watch the white arc fall from the sky --- He scores. Susan's cowboy hat looks like it is covered in pigeon droppings.
The drum roll stops. The lights go out. I fall on my bum, pokey leaking sperm and magnets. The girls give me a standing ovation.
Susan looks at her hat with horror. Lowering it to my mouth she orders "Get that filthy goo off my hat". When I protest she grabs the shoelaces and yanks. Trying hard not to throw up, I urgently clean the slime until she stops her incessant tugging. "Thank you Mr. Jefferson". What are you teaching us next?" Susan solicits amiably.
I shakily stand up and resume my teacher role. Another Maxwell equation is:
An electric current creates a Magnetic field
I look around for my trousers, as the girls buzz trying to figure out an experiment that would prove this equation. I see them on the desk and start to walk nonchalantly in that direction. Toronto girls are not that easily taken in. Laura seizes the shoelaces and yanks me back onto the stool irritably telling me, "Just stand still Mr. Jefferson, you haven't earned your right to privacy yet."
A girl with a soft Vancouver accent articulates, "Well we know the human body works on electricity, so it follows that a body with a lot of electricity moving through it, would magnetize a metal such as iron. Clearly, a pulsating body carries the highest voltage as we saw a moment ago." The girls all look at pokey. Pokey stares banefully back.
"Now hold on a second", I said cutting her off. Laura jerks the chain hissing, "Let Rebecca finish".
Rebecca carries on with her idea. "If we surround Mr. Jefferson's frontal appendage with iron and excite it to a sufficient degree, then the iron should magnetize. This would prove Maxwell's second equation. Katy, lay Mr. Jefferson back on the stool. Susan, get one of the desks that has a hole for an inkpot. I'll be right back."
Katy curves me backwards on the stool until my head and feet are touching the floor. My back feels an unnatural stretching, but Laura, with a few tugs, reminds me of the alternative. Susan places the table over me threading my seeping pokey and balls through the inkpot hole. The table sets firmly on the floor with my pokey and balls pokey sitting on the top obsequiously. Rebecca returns with two small iron slabs and two light fixtures with overhanging 100-watt bulbs. She forms an iron teepee, to the left and right of my pokey, using electric tape to seal the top. She hangs a 25 cents coin from each bulb. She places the light fixtures on each side the teepee so the quarters were close to their respective iron slab. She says, "Now, if we can generate enough electricity through this appendage, the iron will magnetize and the quarters will swing across and stick to the iron slabs."
"Brilliant Rebecca", Laura says, wiping pokey erect with a washcloth. "But we can't keep referring to the subject under discussion as an appendage. Does anyone have any ideas?"
The puppet master chimes, "I know, let's call him the little man". Katy fetches a green marker and paints a smiley face on pokey's head with little arms and legs along his trunk. Switching on the 100-watt surgical lights, she gleefully continues, "There, now he looks like a proper little man".
Susan troublingly points out, "We're still a long way from generating electricity in that body. He looks like an old man with that slouch. We need to map the contours for sensitivity. Laura shapes some long hair into her hand. Rebecca draw a little man and score the result".
Laura trembles hair at the little man's head. Pokey is ticklish. Pokey rears his head. "10 degree movement", announces Vancouver's protractor. The Toronto girl tickles the little man under the front of his neck. Pokey sensitizes. "15 degrees", Rebecca makes known.
Susan suggests that we need more than just gene data. We need to know the effect of genes working together. Laura tickles the little mans head and neck with two hands of black hair. Vancouver measures 20 degrees.
An ominous voice is the background grunted, "Susan has figured it out. We need to construct a matrix of outcomes. Only then will we be able to figure out how to configure the experiment." My physics brain is impressed. 18-year olds are much smarter than 17 year olds.
Katy extrapolates, "So Janice, we need to agree the number of matrix dimensions. Can I suggest we label two axis for location and one for degree of movement?"
"Almost Katy, but we'll map another idea of mine later. We need to tickle hair on the dark side as well. We'll capture an extra dimension that way. Katy duplicate Laura's front office operations in the back office", Janice's boding evil voice says. I pray she is not from California.
A flurry of hairy measurements later, pokey has grown to his full six inches. No one would dare call him a droopy old man now. The girls run the math. There are two combinations that create favorable degrees of movement. Janice intones, "Before we try these combinations, let's make sure that the little man's circulation system is working at maximum throughput. Elsa, start with his feet."
Elsa, making a circle around his feet with thumb and forefinger, and shrinks the radius. Pokey's chest bulges. She increases the radius. His chest returns to normal. She speeds up the rhythm. The little man heaves faster. Elsa adds another thumb and forefinger as the girls root her on. The little man starts to pant. She stops and then tightens the circle as hard as she can. The little man stops breathing, chest at attention. Thirty seconds of suffocation later Elsa hands a little man with red feet to the next girl.
Palms up, she karate chops the little man at the knees repeatedly. Kneecapped, the little man falls over. The next girl attacks the thighs with her nails. She passes the half red naked man to the next girl. This nasty creature holds his head and finger punches his stomach. Girl Five tickles his tummy incessantly. Girl Six, finger snaps his chest, until it's a bright red. Seven chokes him around the neck until he's gasping. Eight pinches his mouth wide open and feeds him a fingernail. Nine blindfolds his eyes tightly; opening the hole in his head opens wide. Ten places her palm on this hole and rotates it on his baldhead until it shines.
Janice laughs, "Looks like we have a little Indian on our hands. Let's give him a body massage to make sure his system is completely connected".
Girls Eleven, Twelve and Thirteen all pancake the Indian between their rubbing palMiss By the end, the resulting light red war paint was evenly applied.
Girls Fourteen through Eighteen smack around the warrior all around his teepee until he was deep red with fury.
Janice examines the bright pole and satisfied says "Ok, the little man looks prepped. It's time to get to the meat of this experiment. Laura get some motor oil. We need things well lubricated for this next step."
The Toronto girl pours motor oil on the Indian. A black man was born. On Janice's instruction she puts on a pair of coarse lab gloves and starts giving the Negro a sandpaper body massage. Laura squeezes harder. She moves her hand, up and down, faster and faster. He starts to throb to the beat.
Janice and Katy move in for the climax. Janice takes the black man below the waist and jerks up, relaxes, jerks up, relaxes. Katy counterpoints. She takes the black man waist up and jerks down, relaxes, jerks down, relaxes. The black man pulses to a boil. Just before he explodes, Katy and Janice victory V their fingers, and from opposite sides, scissor the circulation off at his root. The black man is ready to come, but has no place to go. Raging, he shoots lightening bolt after lightening bolt inside his teepee. The teepee magnetizes. The quarters lock on. Maxwell's second law is confirmed. The girls applaud. Pokey blacks out.
Pokey and I regain consciousness to a shock of turpentine. Cleaning up the motor oil, Toronto smiles brightly and says, "That was great Mr. Jefferson. Time is almost up. Can we do the other two Maxwell equations tomorrow?" It took me a moment to answer. So close to coming and then denied. I was shaking with frustration. I quiver agreement.
They lift the table off pokey, help me up solicitously, hand me my trousers, giggle and leave.
Miss Kali enters carry a new lettuce. "Mr. Jefferson, if you don't want to wear your trousers then what is the point of me giving them to you?" she says and takes them from my hand. "I've had good reports from all the girls. You are a very effective teacher. Pity about that though", she says gazing at my thwarted rigid pokey. She unties the shoelaces letting my balls return to marble heaven. Pokey is thrown into his new lettuce home. A driving backdoor finger makes the point, "Let's get you to your room and discuss this further." My injected behind obeys dejectedly. 80 girls crease. Pokey and I turn red. We stumble before Miss Kali to my asylum. God, I need some relief down my up there.
Miss Kali intones, "Mr. Jefferson. Since you were playing with yourself during school hours I have to punish you by not letting you play with yourself after hours." With that astonishing statement, she plops out her finger, rips the lettuce across the room, ties my hands behind my back and lays me on the bed. Hooking a chain from the ceiling, she ties the shoelace securely. A stretched pokey points to the sky. "Now get some sleep Mr. Jefferson. You have an extra class to teach tomorrow." Miss Kali leaves. I fall asleep trying to come in the air. Of course, that is impossible.
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