A Declaration of Female Dependence

As one could imagine after such a hearing, the entire country was in an uproar. The news hit the airwaves minutes after president Obama declared the three new edicts of the United States. Work ceased. Buses stopped running on time. Panic gripped the populace. Well, some of the populace. Mostly women. Mostly, it was women who went to change.gov to read up on the details of the new laws. Gay men went to the site to make sure what they'd heard--that they could now legally marry anywhere in the country--was actually coming true. Dedicated pot smokers and lobbyists for the drug went to the site to make sure they hadn't imagined the speech in a hazy green dream. But mainly it was women who visited the site in the millions. Like most of the country, Jenny navigated to the site and found three documents on the front page. The first two were details of the reformed marriage and drug laws. The third document was entitled "A Declaration of Female Dependence."

Jenny had raced home to call in the rest of her report. Her boss, Jacob, could hardly believe the news. "I don't know what's happening," Jacob said. "But I don't care what some law says. You're one of my best reporters and you'll still be one of us tomorrow."

Jenny was relieved to hear protectionist praise from a man in her life, especially the man who signed her paychecks. She didn't entirely know what was going on, but she felt assured in that at least she had her job to hold on to. She wondered aloud to herself what this document could contain, how taking away the rights of women would help with the economic crisis, and why the government would think womankind would take this kind of action lying down.

Jenny took a deep breath and clicked on the declaration. It took a few seconds to load, but when it did it filled the screen.

"A Declaration of Female Dependence.

July 2009, from the White House and the United States Government. Written and approved by President-Elect Barack Obama.

Since the beginning of our great nation, we have always held firm that We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness. This edict has proven to be flexible through our history when America has required it to be, be it with African-American slavery, Japanese prison camps, Native American land ownership, and recent presidential races. When faced with difficult decisions, Americans have often shifted the definition of this edit to best fit the answer required for the time. My fellow Americans, this severe economic downturn is another one of those times. We must begin to view these words as literal, and take to heart the most important aspect of the phrase. Remember, forever and always in America, all men are created equal.

In such downturn in the economy, we must look at ways to cut costs by the billions. Both parties of the government, as well as both congress and the White House have agreed that an entire section of the population must be forced to work for free in order to compensate. Once that decision was made, it was a simple process to decide which class of human would have to make the sacrifice for the greater good.

Women have never been truly equal in American society. They have always been viewed in one way or another, be it financial, sexual, or physical, to be inferior to men. The decision to choose women was an easy one, as we at the government believe the transition from freedom to slavery will be smooth.

For this process to occur, we have developed a roadmap for both men and women to follow, so that the transition can be as fast and simple as possible. The following rules and guidelines will go into effect at midnight, July 4th. It is a fitting date for a fitting occasion: a new breed of American slavery. Both men and women are expected to follow these rules, and to expect the same of the men and women around them.

1) Identification of women, including birth certificates, drivers licenses, health cards, etc., should be discarded, as the government records will be destroyed and no form of identification for women will ever hold currency. From here on, the names of women will be handed down by their owners.

2) Bank accounts, lines of credit, and mortgages held by women will be handed over to the woman's husband, boyfriend, employer, or parent, whichever comes into the proper offices and claims them first. The woman has no right as to who is entitled for such deeds.

3) Similarly, major property owned by women, including houses, businesses, cars, etc., will be handed over by whichever man claims to own these things first.

4) Since this revocation of rights is due to economic stimulus, if a woman has any major debt, she will become property of whomever she owes the debt. This includes banks, businesses, professional loaners, insurance agencies, the government, etc. This right-of-ownership supersedes ownership claims by husbands, boyfriends, or parents.

5) It is expected that women work for a living without pay, and it is expected that the conditions in which they work be of little concern to any man.

6) It is expected that women will be treated poorly. This is also little cause for concern amongst the lawmakers of this country.

7) Women will be subservient towards every man in America, and will do whatever is necessary to please them.

8) As inferred in previous economic rules, women can become property to a male, though ownership is not a requirement of women. Simply because a woman is not owned by a man does not mean she has rights, only that she has little protection in the world and can be claimed by any man at any time.

9) As women are not considered human, they will from here on be considered animal, and the laws for bestiality will have to be altered to fit the sexual needs of the superior American male.

10) As women are not considered human, they will need to be trained, much like a cat or a dog, in order to maintain civility in America.

11) Training guides for the female species will be available from this website and many others, as well as your local post office.

12) As women are now to be treated like domestic animals, laws for the care of women will be similar to the laws for care of dogs. Men are legally allowed to beat and punish women in the way they see fit. Brutal beatings are discouraged but not illegal. Torture of women is not permitted but prosecution of torture will depend on circumstance. Killing of women is illegal within city limits.

13) Owned women must wear a symbol of ownership, like a collar, leash, wrist cuffs, hood, or cloak. Men may dress their women as they see fit.

14) Within two weeks, the law for public nudity and sexual practice will be amended to accommodate the new inferior sex. It will be legal for women to be nude in public, and it will be legal to use women in a sexual way in public.

15) Without question, there will be both men and women who object to this government mandate. I will assure you all now that you are severely outnumbered, and it is encouraged to physically convince both women and men who believe that this step isn't necessary. Everything will work out much easier for you if you comply peacefully.

Thank you for reading through the Declaration of Female Dependence, and God Bless America."