Step By Step

Ever since the night of the row, the night that her husband Rob had walked out on her, everything in Helen’s life had been in turmoil. On a purely practical side he had hired a crooked lawyer who had helped him to declare himself bankrupt leaving her with nothing. Before he'd left he had re-mortgaged the house so that when they had had to sell it there had been nothing left and, with no capital, she was forced to move into rented accommodation and, as she pushed open the door of the terraced cottage she’d found, she felt as if she’d hit rock bottom. All her dreams, all her aspirations had come down to this, alone and broke in a run down terraced cottage in one of the cheaper parts of town.

But it wasn’t just the money; for years Rob had been calling her ‘stupid’ and ‘worthless’ and, when he had left her for a younger woman it had been the last straw, the final insult. Her self-esteem was in tatters, she was unwanted and unloved. She felt every minute of her thirty four years, an aged hag consigned to the scrap heap. She dumped her few possessions on the table and slumped in a chair. She had never felt so all alone; somehow, during their time together, Rob had scared off all her old friends and now that they had split she had no one. Would she ever, could she ever rebuild her life?

The days passed, each one fading into the next in a dull grey haze until, when the weekend rolled around, Helen found herself at the kitchen sink washing up the breakfast things and staring out of the window at the back garden. Even that was a mess; given the diminutive size of the cottage the garden was quite reasonable but the previous occupiers hadn’t given it the care it needed and it was hopelessly overgrown. Somehow the mess in the garden became a symbol of the mess in her life. She had to do something, anything, to break this ennui and a bit of gardening would do her some good. She went upstairs, put on a pair of shorts and a sweatshirt and headed out into the July sunshine.

At first she attacked the overgrown tangle of plants with all the pent up rage and frustration that had been boiling within her. She found a scythe in the shed and she used it mercilessly to slash away at the brambles, the overgrown buddleia, the knee high grass, the un-pruned roses and the tangle of bindweed until the tempest within her calmed and she looked up to see that, not only had she purged the anger within her but she had made considerable progress in tidying the garden as well. She started gathering up all the detritus to make a start on a compost heap when a voice distracted her.

“Wow! You have worked hard. It’s been ages since anyone’s touched that garden. Looks like you could do with a drink after all that effort.”

Helen looked across to see who was talking. There, leaning over the fence, was an woman, presumably her neighbour, with a welcoming smile on her face. She held out a bottle of white wine.

“I’ve got this bottle of Pinot Grigio that’s been waiting for a nice sunny day just like today.” The woman continued. “It’s no fun drinking alone; come on round and have a glass or two.”

“But… But…” spluttered Helen. “I couldn’t impose like that.”

“Impose! You won't be imposing.” Urged the woman. “Come on round; what are neighbours for? I’m Sam, by the way. It’s short for Samantha but no one’s called me that since I was in pigtails.”

“Hi, I’m Helen. Look, I need…” Helen was about to say that she needed a shower but she remembered that the cottage only had a basic bathroom and there was no shower, only a bath. The wine looked cool and refreshing and…  “Oh, hang it all; why not? I’ll be right over.”

Helen went through her house, out of the front door and through the ginnel that led to Sam’s back garden. There she found Sam setting up sun beds either side of a low table which held the bottle and two glasses. Now that there was no fence between them she got a better look at her neighbour. Helen guessed her age would probably be a few years less than hers, late twenties maybe; she was also several inches shorter, slim and fit, although there was something about her that said wiry rather than petit; some inner strength that dismissed any little girl image. Her hair was short and a jet black which hinted of hair dye rather than natural colour. She wore shorts and a bikini top which showed off her deep tan and athletic figure. In short she was a young, vivacious and attractive woman and Helen felt old and dowdy beside her. Still it was too late to back out now.

Sam finished arranging the sun beds to her satisfaction and sat back on one of them and started to pour the wine. Helen nervously approached the other and perched on the edge.

“How can you wear that sweatshirt in this weather?” Sam asked. “You’ll roast. Take it off; you’ll be far more comfy without it.”

“But I’ve only got a bra on underneath.” Helen started to object.

“So? You’ve nothing I’ve not seen before and this corner of the garden’s completely private. Anyway, I’m going topless; it seems a shame to waste such a beautiful day. Come along, don’t be shy.” Sam was obviously not the sort to take no for an answer.

Helen glanced around. Indeed, the layout of the hedges had made that corner of Sam’s garden into a little private sun trap totally hidden from anywhere but Sam’s cottage. She was still very apprehensive about stripping off in front of this strange woman but with Sam going topless it would seem churlish not to and, Sam was right, she was already sweating freely; it would be good to get some air on her body. She peeled off the top wishing that the bra she was wearing wasn’t so plain and hadn’t seen quite so many washes.

At first Helen was shy and reluctant to talk but behind her bubbly personality Sam was a superb listener and soon Helen was pouring out her life story. The wine was cool and refreshing and when the bottle was finished Sam went to the fridge and fetched another. Helen hadn’t felt this relaxed in ages. The wine had gone to her head, the hard work in the garden had had a cathartic effect and simply being able to talk to a sympathetic ear was wonderful. Not only was Sam a good listener, she was also kind and understanding, Helen had seldom if ever felt such an instant empathy with a new friend.

The conversation wandered far and wide, and whilst in many ways the two women were very different, in all the things that were important they seemed in total agreement and, as they chatted, Helen found she was entranced by Sam. Her initial resentment of Sam’s good looks and self confidence were being replaced by respect and affection. Sam was certainly a pretty girl and it was no wonder she was sunbathing topless, her breasts, whilst not particularly large, were perfectly formed, and beautifully firm. She wondered…

“You can touch them if you want.” Sam’s voice cut through Helen’s reveries.

“What!” Helen replied, taken aback by Sam’s bluntness.

“You’ve been staring at my breasts like they’re strawberry ice cream. If they fascinate you so much why don’t you try stroking them? I promise I won’t bite.”

“I was not staring at your breasts.” Helen retorted as the blood rushed to her face.

“Liar, liar, pants on fire.” Taunted Sam in a sing-song voice. “You were staring and you know it. Your blushes give you away completely but that’s Ok, I like it when attractive women stare at my breasts. You can kiss them too if you want.”

“Please, Sam.” Helen was getting flustered. “Please, I’m not like that.”

“What, the idea of kissing my breast doesn’t turn you on?” Sam started to wiggle provocatively but stopped when she saw how uncomfortable Helen was getting.

“Look.” Sam continued, suddenly serious. “I am like that, I’m a lesbian and I don’t care who knows it. You’re an attractive single woman and I can’t help but make a pass at you. But it’s Ok, I’m not going to force you into wild lesbian orgies, however much I’d like to. If you’re ‘not like that’ then I can respect it and I won’t bother you again. However, before you completely close your mind to the subject you were staring at my breasts and my gaydar says you did want to kiss them, whether you knew it or not. So, subject closed, how about another glass of wine?”

That night, as Helen lay in bed, she couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened. She and Sam had spent the rest of the afternoon together, lazing about in the garden and, come supper time, Helen had borrowed Sam’s shower whilst Sam had put together a pasta marinara that was to die for and the two women had shared the meal sitting round her kitchen table; Helen in a borrowed dressing gown, Sam still wearing only her skimpy shorts. Somehow it seemed natural for Sam to be topless as she pottered about in the kitchen. Helen knew she could never be that relaxed, half naked in front of someone she’d only just met.

But it wasn’t just walking around half naked that Sam was relaxed about; she had freely admitted that she was a lesbian and had joked so easily about finding Helen ‘attractive’ and wanting ‘wild sexual orgies’. It had been a long time since anyone had called Helen attractive, far too long, and it made Helen smile to think of it but that led on to the second thought, the suggestion that she had been staring at Sam’s breasts and that she had wanted to kiss them. This was dangerous territory for Helen. she’d had a strict puritanical upbringing; what little sex education she had got had mostly been a list of ‘thou shall not’s, and she’d been taught that sex as anything other than between a married man and women in bed with the lights out was wrong, evil, perverted… Helen tossed and turned in her bed, her emotions in a state of turmoil. She knew what she should be thinking, she knew what she had been taught, what was right and what was wrong, but that didn’t stop her thoughts of Sam’s breasts, looking so fine with those perfect nipples and, try as she might, she couldn’t stop a sudden deep desire to know what it would be like to kiss them. The stern voices of her parents, of her preacher, were countered by Sam’s voice with its relaxed and open attitude. Even in the short time she’d got to know Sam she could tell that she wasn’t the devil, she wasn’t evil and perverted, she was just a really nice caring person who just happened to like kissing women; what was so wrong with that? With a sigh she pushed the confused jumble of thoughts to one side, rolled over, and went to sleep.

Every evening, as she walked down the street from the bus stop, Helen kept an eye open, hoping that she would meet up with Sam. She knew she was being silly but she seemed to get excited every time she thought about her new friend and she was still too shy to simply knock on Sam’s door without being asked round. What if Sam’s interest had waned seeing as how she had spurned her advances? Then, on Thursday, just as she got off the bus, there was Sam, walking down the other side of the street.

“Helen! I've been wondering when Id bump into you. Dinner, my place, tonight, seven-o-clock. Promise I won’t jump your bones!” Sam called out with no regard as to who might hear. Helen hurried across to join her before she said anything else embarrassing.

“Sam!” Helen replied, shocked that Sam would shout about ‘jumping her bones’ from across the street.  “Sam! Please! What if the neighbours heard?”

“Then they can come and join us. They’ll have to bring their own shepherds pie, though. I’ve only got enough for two. Oh, you mean about jumping your bones? Why should I care what they think? What, am I embarrassing you?” Sam laughed and swinging Helen into a clinch, kissed her. “Ooops, sorry, I promised I wouldn’t do that. Seriously, Helen, come and join me for tea. I really won’t do anything you don’t want me to.”

Helen, her ears burning with embarrassment, broke away but agreed to go round later. She was suddenly really excited about meeting her new friend again. She hurried home to bath and get ready; somehow it seemed important to look her best, even if it was just sharing a shepherds pie together.

At seven-o-clock Helen knocked on Sam’s front door carrying a bottle of red wine. Sam let her in and led her through to the kitchen. She handed Helen a corkscrew and left her to sort out the wine whilst she finished getting the pie together. It seemed almost natural for the two of them to work together and, within moments, any residue of Helen’s concerns about how Sam would feel were dismissed. The conversation flowed and they were soon eating together, enjoying the food. Once the pie and wine were finished and the dishes washed and put away they went through to the lounge to chat. Again Helen was struck by how easy it was to be around Sam, how relaxed she felt, but mostly how she could talk about everything and anything without getting put down for being stupid. And, if she could talk about anything…

“Sam?” Helen asked quietly. “Do you mind if I ask something really personal?”

“Of course not. Fire away.”

“What’s it like, in bed with a woman? What do you do? After all, you haven’t got a… a… a thingy.” As soon as she’d started Helen was beginning to wish she had never brought up this line of questioning; her curiosity and her embarrassment were fighting each other.

“A thingy!” Sam nearly fell out of her chair for laughing. “No, I haven’t got a ‘thingy’, nor had any of the people I have slept with. There’s a quite a bit more to sex than having a ‘thingy’. Look, if you’re really that interested why don’t you come to bed and I’ll show you.”

“Please, Sam, I can’t.” Helen replied.

“I see we’ve moved from ‘I’m not like that’ to ‘I can’t’. I’m intrigued. Why can’t you?”

“It’s not right… It's against God's law... It’s sinful…” Somehow, now that she was trying to explain her parent’s teachings to Sam it didn’t seem to make as much sense.

“Sinful!” Sam snorted, suddenly quite angry. “Sister, have you been listening to the wrong people. Are you tying to say that the way I live my life is sinful?”

“No…  But… Oh, I don’t know…” Helen mumbled.

“Look, Helen.” Sam continued in a much calmer tone. “Do you think I’m a bad person?”

“No, of course not!” Helen was vehement.

“But you think the way I live my life is sinful?” Sam persisted.

“No… Well… Oh, Sam, I get so confused.” Helen was close to tears.

“Confused, eh? Well, we’ve all been confused. I know it's not easy when your body says one thing and your mind says another but I do know how to sort it out; why don’t you come over and sit next to me on the sofa and we’ll try a kiss. If you don’t like it, if you find that it’s sinful, then we’ll stop” Sam said gently.

“Sam… I’m not sure…”

“Yes you are or you wouldn't have asked in the first place. Put that 'sinful' bullshit to one side for a moment and come over here and sit next to me.” Sam patted the seat of the sofa next to her. “One little kiss, that won’t hurt. Surely you won’t go to hell for one little kiss?”

Helen felt trapped. Why had she used a stupid word like sinful. Now she had upset her friend by implying she was immoral. If she stood by her principles she would look like a prude, a killjoy, and, worse than that, someone who disapproved of Sam. She felt trapped, she was about to destroy her new found friendship over something that was looking increasingly silly. There was only one way she could get out of this without hurting Sam. With a sudden burst of decisiveness she crossed the room, sat down next to Sam and pecked her on the cheek.

“Not like that, a proper kiss; tongues and everything. First of all you’ve got to relax.” Sam gently eased Helen back into the sofa and prized her hands out from between her tightly clamped knees. Then she put her arms around her and snuggled in close.

Helen’s heart raced, Sam was so close… She’d been told to relax but every nerve was a bow string, quivering under the tension. Sam’s hand gently brushed her hair back from her face and…

Helen had never been properly kissed before. Sure, Rob had always been up for a good snog, as he put it, but that had mostly been an excuse for a clumsy grope of her breasts and her groin. This, this was something else entirely. At first Sam was gentle, the lightest touch of sensitive lip against sensitive lip but from there it grew, and Helen would have to have been made of stone not to respond and, when tongue tip met tongue tip it was like an explosion, and explosion that rocked Helen’s body making every nerve dance with little pin points of pleasure. But more than this, the kiss awoke a urgent animal need deep, deep within Helen, a need she had never felt before. All her inhibitions were overridden; she wanted, no needed, to touch every inch of Sam’s skin with every inch of hers. She wanted to offer herself up, to be consumed, to be subsumed, to become one, to become Sam’s.

And, as the heat, as the urgency within her grew, Helen found herself moving against Sam’s body in a need for physical closeness that she was powerless to control. Months, no years of pent up frustration flowed forth demanding release, demanding satisfaction, demanding resolution.

And then, without any warning, Sam pulled away and sat up straight again.

“Why did you stop? What did I do?” Helen demanded breathlessly, still lost in the moment.

“Oh, you’ve had your kiss and that’s all your getting. Anything more would be, what was it now, oh, yes, sinful.”

“Please, Sam…”

“I said we’d try one kiss and that’s what you got.” Sam was firm, immovable. “Look, Helen, I really like you, I’d like to see a lot more of you in every sense of the word but, before we go any further, you need to sort out what you want. Your coy little virgin act is all very well but once you start throwing words like sinful around, well that’s another matter. You’ve had your kiss, now go away and think about how it felt, how you felt, and what it is you really want. Then you can come back and we’ll take it from there. Ok?”

“But, Sam…”

“No, Helen, I mean it. Look, it’s late and I need to get to bed anyway. Think it over, think about what you really want, think about whether it’s sinful or not and then, maybe, we’ll try again.”

As Sam showed Helen out she smiled to herself. Sure she felt more than a trifle cruel to treat her like this but she was sure that it would work out Ok. Helen hadn’t been the only one to feel the electricity in that kiss, to want more, to need more. But in the short term it would do Helen good to have a long hard think about things, to work out what’s important and what’s not, and to put all that religious bullshit far, far behind her.