The Pain and Pleasure Journals

The First Session

I was given a set of instructions that I was to follow in preparation for each training session…. I was instructed to shave myself bare…… my underarms, my legs, even the hair from my mound, my cunt and my ass. I had been given a list of items to purchase as well: a two quart enema bag with a hook for hanging; a douche nozzle, which is longer and fatter than the standard enema nozzle; adult glycerin suppositories and lastly, packets of Castile soap flakes.

Next came the hardest and almost torturous part of my preparation…I had been warned that it would be a two hour process…First, I had to insert three glycerin suppositories into my rectum and hold them inside for at least twenty minutes, no less, no matter how bad the cramping got. The instructions suggested setting a timer so I didn't cheat. At the end of that long twenty minutes I was allowed to relieve myself on the toilet. Next I had to fill the enema bag with two quarts of hot water and mix in a packet of soap flakes. I hung the bag on the towel rack and then knelt down on the floor. I applied lube to the nozzle and worked it all the way into my ass. With my cheek to the floor and my ass raised, I released the clamp. I stopped the flow as necessary wh en the cramping got bad or I felt like I couldn't hold anymore. Once that feeling passed, I continued until the whole bag was empty. I held this solution for a full ten minutes and left the nozzle in to help hold in the soapy water. I was allowed and even encouraged to roll onto my side or back and massage my belly to let the solution work deep inside me.

This proved to be very difficult….that much water had filled me so full that my belly looked huge. The soapy solution caused such bad cramping that I thought I'd die. I didn't think there was any way I could continue to hold it all in. The cramps kept hitting in waves and all I could do was massage my belly and roll and clench as tight as I could the whole time. I cried with the pain and the urgency, fearing all the while that I would fail to hold it in long enough. Somehow I managed to survive this painfully long waiting period. I was so swollen that I had to cradle my belly in my hands as I rose to the toilet. It took as much as thirty minutes for all of the soapy solution to work its way out. Finally I filled the bag with warm water and added one teaspoon of salt. I had to take the full two quarts of water and hold it for yet another twenty minutes to rinse out the last of the soapy solution. When at last, I expelled this, I was considered sufficiently clean inside for the Masters. I did feel completely cleaned out…empty inside and pounds lighter. I didn't know how I did it or how I would find the courage to go through this twice a week for the training. Of course, after that I was also expected to bathe the outside of my body thoroughly. It took longer than the 2 hours and so I had to rush around getting ready to leave.

I managed to finally locate the farm after several wrong turns and arrived at a quarter till five. My heart was pounding and I was shaking so badly that I just sat in the car for several minutes, but then knowing that I had given my word, that this was my commitment…..I got out and entered the barn through the small side door.

Master James met me there and it was almost like he had been standing there waiting. I wondered if he had been watching me, if he had felt my indecision there at the last. He motioned me to follow him down a short hallway and led me into a small changing room.

"Take off all your clothes, slut," he said, "and then come into the dungeon."

He smiled a little bit when he said it and I felt better. I didn't say anything, just kept my eyes lowered and nodded. When he left I slipped out of my clothes and laid them over a little bench that was there. Not wanting to give myself time to think or reconsider, I did as directed and opened the same door Master James had used when he left me.

The inside of the barn was huge and filled with all kinds of contraptions…..things I'd never seen before but had read about…….hooks, pulleys and rings hung from the rafters and big eye bolts stuck up out of the floor and the walls. There were saw horses, some padded and some not, padded posts, benches and tables. I saw several big crosses and even a stainless steel medical examination table. A raised platform that made me think of a stage of some sort. In front of it were rows of chairs where an audience might be seated. There was like…um….well like a whole bathroom. It was not enclosed though and the tub, toilet and all were exposed. Spotlights were everywhere in the ceiling and one turned on me when I stepped into the room. Master James stepped back through the same door that I'd just come through. I stood there, waiting and taking in these frightening surroundings when, suddenly, my arm was grabbed and I was jerked back into the changing room.

"On your knees, girl," He almost screamed it. "You filthy slut, is this how you think you can leave your filthy slut mess?"

"W...w...what, Sir? I don't understand?"

He was pointing at my clothes on the bench but I didn't understand what I had done wrong. He gave me this big hairy lecture about how clothes are a privilege and that it took a Master's hard earned money to keep me in clothes and that they were always to be folded neatly when I wasn't wearing them.

"You will be punished for this and for raising your eyes to me and for speaking. You just earned yourself three lashes of my belt. Now you crawl back out there and you do it NOW!"

I started crawling fast as I could back out the door. Master James followed me, nudging me to go faster with the toe of his boot. He directed me to a small padded bench that was just a foot tall. He told me to lay over it face down and spread my legs. I could already feel the tears on my face as I lay over the bench. With his boot he kept kicking side to side between my legs until they were wide open. I laid there, shaking….trying to hold in the sobs…waiting for what would happen next. I heard him unbuckling his belt and heard it slipping out of the belt loops of his jeans…..for a moment my mind just went blank.

"Tell me why you are being punished.....Answer me, girl! That's one extra lash for the delay."

"Um…b…because I didn't fold my clothes….." I finally stammered out an answer, half crying, "and um….. because I looked at you… and because I spoke without asking permission."

"At least you're not stupid. There may be hope for you." He said. "Each and every time that you're punished, you will count every swat out loud and thank the Master that he sees fit to correct you. Then you must ask for the next swat. Understand, girl? If you hesitate in the least or forget then the punishment starts from the beginning again."

Before I could even respond he brought the belt down hard over my ass.

"One…..aghhhh, Master James, thank you. Pleeaasse may I have another?"

Oh my god, the next one hurt even worse. It was on the back of my thighs and .the sting….the pain, took my breath away.

"Twooooooo…..thank You, Master James, aghhhh pleaseee may I have another?"

By the time I'd taken all four my whole ass was red and on fire and I had that one huge welt on the backs of my thighs. I was ashamed to be crying but I couldn't help it. I wanted to say I was sorry but was too afraid to speak. He told me to stand up and get over to that platform and present myself for inspection to him and I did. I hurried because he still had that belt in his hand. It was then that I noticed Master Michael and Master Robert standing off to one side watching and talking. I couldn't hear what they were discussing and had only time for a quick glance. I couldn't risk being seen looking at them.

I dropped down to my knees as gently as I could….the muscles in my thighs and my ass were screaming. I tried to remember everything I had been taught about the

presenting position…….knees spread apart the width of my shoulders, back straight with a slight arch, head held high, eyes lowered….chest thrusting out….and my palms upturned in a gesture of submission, one resting on the top of each thigh…..god so much to remember. The three of them started walking in slow circles around me. Master Michael was the first to speak.

"Not too bad, girl."

He bent down and took one of my nipple rings in his fingers. He lifted and twisted it, holding my breast suspended for a moment before letting it drop. At the same time Master James was behind me, running the palm of his hand down my back and then over the welts on my ass. Fingers slid down inside the crack of my ass and began circling, pressing into my anus………no lube…..god it hurt and I whimpered. He told the others that my Dom wanted my hole to be used and kept filled.

"Damn shame. I love tight ass like that." Master Robert said.

"Too tight to be of any real use," Master James disagreed, "but we'll fix that."

Master Michael squatted down right in front of me and without any warning at all he slipped two thick fingers straight into my cunt. My body flinched and I didn't hold the position. He kept his fingers inside me, twisting and turning and fucking them in and out while the other two pulled me back into position. A stiff training collar was placed on my neck and they put leather cuffs on both my wrists, too. The cuffs were attached to rings on each side of the collar which pulled my shoulders back. Master Robert fastened small chains to my nipple rings and fastened them to the front of the collar…..they were too short and tugged my nipples up. Master Michael thrust his fingers deep into my cunt one last time and pulled them out and held them up right in front of my face. They were slick and wet and I could smell my own sex on them. He wiped them off on my face.

"Clean my fingers."

I did. I licked them clean.

"Good girl."

I was actually happy when he patted me on the head.

"It's time you got your first taste of real discipline, girl. We will start every session with some kind of discipline." Master James said.

His voice was chatty, almost friendly, and his hand was stroking over my back and my ass. Right then I needed that and I had to fight to keep from swaying back to his hand. He explained that this wasn't punishment but that it wouldn't be pleasant and might even be painful. The purpose of discipline was to teach me my place. To remind me of just who I was and of who the Master was. Discipline was given for Master's pleasure and for the submissive's as well. It gave the one seeking to please the opportunity to show how much she was willing to take and to endure to please. A Master often gave discipline for no other reason than that he could. It was an exercise in power, of giving and taking. It was also an opportunity to mark the submissive if that was the Master's desire.

All this I was told as Master Michael and Master Robert were lifting me up to my feet. I was guided slowly forward while Master James talked, until I was face to face with the huge St. Andrew's cross.

They uncuffed each of my wrists and stretched my arms wide to the side at shoulder height and then they were fastened again to the cross. Master Robert put ankle cuffs on me and I was ordered to spread my feet wide apart. There were large eye bolts in the floor that they fastened the cuffs to. I was helpless and naked and scared half to death. The thought ran through my head they could kill me. They could do anything they wished to me. I was at their mercy and I started crying again silently. The tears were streaming and I couldn't stop them. I was shaking so badly that the vibration caused the cuffs to rattle where they were clipped to the cross. The three men stepped back and Master James said,

"Slut, prepare yourself for your discipline."

Someone stepped up behind me again. I couldn't see who but I felt a strong body pressing tight to me. A hand lifted my hair up off my neck and I felt warm breath, soft lips on the back of my neck at the top of the collar. More kisses and licks were followed by a gentle biting at the base of my neck and along my shoulders. The hand followed my spine down to my ass and traced the pattern of welts that still burned. The mouth returned to the base of my left ear lobe and teased and I knew it was Master Michael then. I knew his scent. I knew his voice.

"Don't be afraid little one. Trust me and let yourself come with me. I'm going to take you someplace that you've never been." He whispered. "Take what I'm going to give you. Find pleasure in it. It's my gift to you. Remember, trust me."

He stepped back. I whimpered and felt the loss when his heat… his mouth… his hands left my body. I was ashamed that I could feel the warm flow of my need oozing from my cunt and felt a tightening deep in my belly. I was embarrassed at the heat within me and hoped they would not notice.

My eyes were squeezed tightly shut and my body tensed as I waited for the first strike. Instead I felt the softest touch and the most exquisite stroking. It was Master Michael with what I found out later was a kind of flogger called a rabbit tail. It caressed down my back and out over each stretched out arm. It ran down my legs to my ankles and up the insides of my thighs. It teased my cunt and continued up through my tight ass crack. The stroking and the teasing went on forever. In random patterns, the sensation traveled over my body. Here and then there, until I drifted into a state of total relaxation. Craving the touch, I found myself making little whimpering sounds of pleasure. I was surprised that those sounds were coming from me and that none of the Masters seemed to mind. By then, each time the flogger was trailed up between my legs, it came away wet with the juices its touch was exciting from me.

The touch changed to light taps. Little, light stinging taps in all those same places. On my arms, my shoulders and back. On my burning ass and my thighs and down my legs. My body was enveloped in warmth as the flogger's sharp kisses reddened me. Warm, so warm! I found that I was moaning.

"Yessssssss. Ohhhh, yessssssss."

My body was moving, straining at its bonds as to reach the sweet, stinging heat. My knees had become so weak that it was hard to stand up. My fingers curled over the cuffs as the nature of the flogger's touch again changed. The taps became definite lashes. I could feel thin suede leather straps then. There was a rhythm to it and as each lash burned into me an incredible heat was generated. I wanted more of it.

He gave it to me. At the last it was real pain. The leather kisses had become fiery. Each one burned deep into my muscles. I was red hot all over. I was burning alive. I was so deep inside myself that I was there and yet I wasn't. I was filled with Master Michael and the power of his astonishing hot touch. I wanted it to go on forever… until there was nothing left of me.

Gentle hands released me and strong arms held me up. Master Robert and Master James carried me to a narrow padded table. Kind words, nice words flowed into my ears.

"Good girl, good slut."

There were soft touches and stroking hands caressing my hair. Master Robert held a glass to my lips.

"Drink, girl." He said.

When I woke up, it was to hands touching me. Master James' hands and Master Robert's big black hands were everywhere at once. They teased my nipples to aching hardness. Fingers slipped in and out of my cunt again. My legs willingly parted, arching up off the table when fingers found my throbbing clit and stroked over it. More cunt juice was wiped on my body. More fingers with the slick taste of my sex clinging to them were presented to be licked clean.

I was pulled to my feet again and bent forward. My wrists were secured to the legs of the table on one side and my ankles cuffed to the table legs on the other side. I heard a door open and the footsteps and voices of men and women approached. I struggled and tugged but the cuffs held me tight. I was so embarrassed to be seen like this. So wide open with my body betraying me. Still hot from the touching and stroking the Masters had given me. Hands were everywhere on my body again. They touched, tugged and twisted my rock hard, aching nipples. Hands kneaded my ass cheeks. My whimpers of pain and moans of pleasure so mixed that I could no longer distinguish between them. Fingers probed my tight ass-ring. They slipped up through my slit, teasing my clit. My confused body tried first to grind down onto the fingers in my cunt and then lifted itself to encourage the fingers in my ass.

"Unnnghh, yessssssss."

A thick, long rubber dildo was worked deep in my cunt, my inner muscles sucked and squeezed down on it.

"Good girl, good girl."

All those hands kept touching me, big hands, small hands, rough hands and soft ones. Slender fingers with long painted nails squeezed, pinched and tugged my nipples.

"The slut needs a plug in this tight little ass."

I groaned out loud at these words from a strange voice. I flinched and clenched my cheeks hard at the cool touch of the lube. A slick finger circled my rim and then began slipping in and out. I felt more lube and again the finger, in and out, fucking, curling, stretching, and forcing all that lube in. I moaned at the touch of the plug's hard tip, burning as it was slowly twisted and fucked into my ass. The sound of my gasp was loud in my ear when my sphincter gave way and my ass sucked it all the way in. I felt so filled, so stuffed. I was squirming, grinding, clenching down hard as I could.

Then a hand twisted tight in my hair and my head was lifted up. I was looking straight at the groin of a man. He stepped closer and I registered tan slacks, a brown belt, and clean manicured man-fingers unzipping the fly. A soft flaccid cock was pulled out and held to my lips.

A leather crop bit into my left ass cheek. I jerked forward to escape it bumping my face into the cock.

"Take the cock in your mouth, girl," Master James' voice said from behind me.

I opened my mouth and took the soft salty cock in. One more stinging lash but my cry was muffled as I sucked and licked. The cock grew hard and pressed back on my tongue till I gagged from it. The man's hands in my hair held my head tight to his thrusting hips. I heard his groans as I worked to take the cock tip pushing deep in my throat. I struggled to breathe, gasping each time he pulled back a little. My mouth became slick with the precum as the rhythm of his slow, deep strokes continued.

"Oh you cunt. You sweet whore. That's it, that's it. Suck me you bitch."

The strokes became short quick thrusting jabs. I took every inch in my throat and I knew, oh God yes, I knew he was about to cum. Those big, soft balls lifted up and I actually felt the force of the cum pumping up through the thick cock and exploding deep in my throat on his final hard thrust. I was held tight to him, swallowing, nearly choking on the volume of it. He finally let go and pulled out. One thick string of cum hung there from the tip of his cock to my lip and then the fragile connection broke as he stepped back. Cum dripped and oozed down my chin as another man stepped up. One hot strike of the crop on my inner thigh and I groaned and opened my mouth again. I took the new cock inside and was in heaven with the thick shaft pumping into me, twisting, screwing deep into my throat. Hands began fucking the dildo and butt plug in and out of my holes and I heard Master James' voice in my ear.

"Cum, bitch. Cum, girl."

I did. And as I was coming so hard, sweet Jesus, the cock in my mouth poured its thick gooey seed down my throat.

They left me like that, dripping cum from my chin, with the dildo stuffed up my cunt and the plug still deep in my ass. I didn't care… I was floating.

Some time later, Master Robert returned and eased the plug out and then the dildo. I shuddered as they were pulled from me. He laughed and told me I was wrong if I thought I was going to get any more that evening. He unsnapped the cuffs and helped me to my feet.

"Get dressed and go home, girl, and be proud of those marks."

He led me back to the little room where my clothes were, where it all started. It was a different girl who came back to those clothes and it was like …..Well, it was like my life up till then had been a black and white photo that was now suddenly in color. I understood then….I had to do this for ME.

Retrospective

There were aspects of what I was doing that bothered me. My introduction to the sessions that Monday evening had left me drained. I felt listless the following day. Even the simplest of chores seemed to require a great effort. I was very aware of the clock in my kitchen, of the hours slipping past as Wednesday and the second session bore down on me. The single day betwen these ordeals I faced seemed completely inadequate. I knew I would have to find the strength somewhere within me to survive Wednesday night. To get past it to the blessed rest and relief of the four painless days and nights that would follow it.

Other thoughts intruded as well. When I had first met the man I now called Master, I had been fascinated. He had a pressence I had never before encountered. That he was older than I had bothered me initially but I soon found that his vitality was hard to keep up with. In fact, as I shared his energy and looked back on the younger men I had lived with, I realized how dull and aimless they had been.

He was also the first skilled lover to enter my life. I was by no means a virgin and yet with several relationships behind me, it was with him that I experienced my first crashing orgasm. My toes had curled until I had sworn they would crack and I had come so hard that I pissed myself.

He had unlocked a wantoness in me. I came to look forward to the new sensations he was introducing me to. When he began to demand small acts of obeisance in trade for the pleasures I craved, I was only to willing to act out my part in what seemed a sexy, little game. It was fun to pretend to beg for his touch and I enjoyed the provocative poses he asked me to assume.

We were in the Farmer's Market, buying fresh goodies for the salads we both loved, when I crossed the line. When I let him make me do something against my will. All morning he had been surrepticiously tugging at my nipples through my top and fondling my ass. Occasionally he would lean in and lick my thoat or nibble at my earlobe. I became impatient with the marketing as his touches warmed me and I grew wet. I had finally told him how aroused I was and asked him to get us home and into bed. He'd taken my ear in his teeth and bit down, whispering that he was not yet ready to leave. I'd begged him, only to have him shake his head and frustrate me further. Then he'd pulled me close and traced the crotch of my jeans with his fingertip.I had become such a sexual creature with him that even so mere a touch flooded me with anticipation of the things he could make me feel when he chose to. In desperation I had told him that I had to use the toilet. He'd given me his brightest smile then and fastened his eyes on mine.

"You are seriously dying to get home and fuck and you also need to pee?" he'd asked.

"Both. Desperately!" I'd replied, relieved that he was relenting.

"Piss yourself. Right now where you are standing and then we'll go." He'd said.

I remember looking at him in consternation. I had just known he couldn't be serious but he had just held me locked with his eyes. I felt like walking away then. Just leaving him standing there with his bag of spinach and cucumbers and radishes. Instead, completely against my will, I had relaxed my bladder and pissed myself. The tears that began pouring down my red face were hotter than the warm urine that had soaked my jeans and thighs. He had taken my hand then and led me, stained and crying, though the market throng to the parking lot.

When we'd arrived home he bathed me and took me to bed. I lost count of the number of times I came that night. In the days and nights that followed I often masturbated while reliving the feeling I'd had as I was being led through that crowd of staring eyes.

That was when it had really begun. This deep desire of mine for domination and humiliation. At the time, I had been sure that I loved the man who came to call Sir. Then I began to love him because he was my master. .

As I thought of the session that was drawing nearer with every sweep of the clock's hand, I knew that as much as I dreaded the pain, there was a part of me that lusted for the other half of the experience. Everytime I thought of the shame and humiliation that would be waiting for me my cunt began to leak.